Several days break here, so reviews had more time to show up…sadly, that doesn’t help much.
Power-fantasy heavy, and heavy on pulling in outside elements and then not using them well.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14419858/1/PMD-Beta-Adventures (4 spam)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
There’s a ridiculous amount of typos throughout this. Proofread better and consider a beta reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“It’s just letters you idiots ” I shouted to avoid a bite attack, I had been chased by three Mightyena outlaws who had been making bank on attacking couriers as of late and the guild still hadn’t dealt with them..
“We’ve seen the type of deliveries you make! Don’t bother lying!” The last Mightyena shouted as he lunged at me.
“Well it’s the truth and i’ll have to beat it into you like I did to your buddies.]
If it were actually letters, showing them as much would be easier than fighting. Now, this might not be a good option – they might damage the letters looking through them, or insist on opening them to see if there’s money, or simply burn them out of spite when they found out there was nothing. Or the absol might not want a non-violent solution, which would fit with the bit about beating it into them but in that case it’s strange they’d be trying to run away and then argue rather than stand their ground and jump into a fight as soon as they’re not believed. You really need to think through actions further, especially when this is the only thing that even happens this chapter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14419874/1/Pok%C3%A9-Gear-Solid (6)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“The Pokémon Network Facility in Cinnabar Island, north of the Kanto cliffs, was attacked and captured by an unknown terrorist organization that has labeled themselves as Team Rocket. They’re led by a team of high level trainers known as Executives. They’re demanding that the Kanto League turn over the classified DNA of the Pokémon Mew that was discovered 10 years ago.”
Kanto’s weather was awful at this time of the year. Above him a storm roared and churned with vengeance, though all the sounds and flashes were muted by the massive volume of water around him.
“If their demands are not met within 24 hours, they’ll shut down the Pokémon Network. This would render every Pokéball, Pokécenter and League facility, inoperable.”]
I don’t think this is a good fit. It reads almost like a pokemonized word salad version of the Metal Gear setup.
Team Rocket doesn’t work as unknown terrorists, mew DNA feels like a random macguffin and is again a poor fit for the group that already had it. Plus the idea that they have the power to shut down everything and don’t just do that is just absurd – this isn’t nukes, there’s no actual bad consequences for this, and fucking up other people’s pokemon ownership is already their thing. A different group would work a lot better.
(Also, if Kanto’s entire society rests on a random building on a volcano running flawlessly, it seems like this is just nature taking its course a little early.)
For similar reasons, probably would’ve been better to use someone other than Red if you’re keeping the idea he can’t bring any stuff in with him. If absolutely nothing else, you could kind of get a similar only-what-you-find situation with a ranger rather than a trainer.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420045/1/Troublemaker (1 human 1 spam)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Thank you, Sebastian,” Malcolm replied. “I want us all to get moved in and settled down as soon as possible.” Sebastian nodded. “Yes sir,” he said. “I’ll get right on that.” Malcolm nodded with a smile as Sebastian departed.]
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Also, the family’s wasteful wealth really makes me hate them all.
This really does not seem to have anything to do with any of the characters who share these names, and barely anything to do with pokemon in general. It reads like an edgy high school OC fic but pokemon are inconsequentially getting referenced every thousand words or so.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420053/1/It-s-Just-Plowing-Snivy (1 spam)
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420189/1/Reapers
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[The Dusclops stood motionless as his form returned to a semi-solid state; all Dusclops were completely hollow inside, though rumor had it their entire being was fueled by an internal will-o-wisp flame from which they derived their power from. ]
So, here’s the thing – what information is this communicating? First you say they’re factually hollow, then go into a lot of detail about a rumor we already know can’t be true because that would mean they’re not completely hollow. If you hadn’t said “completely” this wouldn’t be quite as bad, but it’d still be pretty questionable to put both the flame itself and what it does together as both unverified rumors.
[He wore a simple charcoal gray three-piece suit, with a black button-up shirt beneath the jacket. The top button was undone, and his smooth, pale skin was clean shaven. He wore his hair – long, thick blonde dreadlocks, with the individual tips dyed blood red – out of his face, with the locks tumbling carelessly onto his shoulders. The exposed skin that was visible on his neck and hands was covered in a variety of tattoos that undoubtedly extended onto the concealed portions of his body. His entourage was completed by a pair of brown Italian wingtip shoes, and a blood red handkerchief in his breast pocket. He was the image of sophistication. ]
This paragraph is clearer, but it’s still dumping a bunch of information and then ending poorly. That might be a striking look, but an undone button, long blonde dreadlocks with colorful tips, and being coated in tattoos doesn’t have good overlap with “sophistication” – that’s not the same thing as fashionable or attractive.
[Dusclops shrugged, blinking meticulously as he shifted his weightless form. “Well as you can see, no one is here James, so it was absolutely pointless in hindsight.” James scowled, face darkening as his eyebrows jutted upward in anger.
“Fine, next time we’ll just walk right on up to the front door and knock! Better?” ]
You shouldn’t have two of the same speakers in one paragraph, but that doesn’t mean you just keep writing narration until someone speaks and then hit enter. Narration should go with the speaker it’s about, like:
[Dusclops shrugged, blinking meticulously as he shifted his weightless form. “Well as you can see, no one is here James, so it was absolutely pointless in hindsight.”
James scowled, face darkening as his eyebrows jutted upward in anger. “Fine, next time we’ll just walk right on up to the front door and knock! Better?” ]
[A massive, sickly purple and yellow bruise covered her right eye, from her cheek to her eyebrow. It was a ghastly abomination that dominated the poor girl’s innocence. The fire of rage immediately rose within his gut, and James’s face turned to a demonic scowl, his pale green eyes darkening intensely. Brooke’s hand shot up to conceal the foul blemish, but the damage had already been done. ]
This kind of excessively elaborate description just distracts from what you’re actually trying to communicate.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420275/1/Pokemon-Skybound (10, 9 from one person.)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
[On the blue sea, a medium-sized ship was slowly docking at the port to the sound of its whistle.
Although the coastal city is bustling and the pier lively, if you look closely, the passengers on the ship aren’t focused on the scenery.
Instead, they’re all gathered on the deck, watching a Pokémon battle that has just concluded.]
You’re switching between past and present tense. Stick to one. Also, don’t say the battle just concluded then write out more of the battle.
[The man praised, “Your Ralts has been well-trained. I admit defeat.”
“Your Rattata was strong, too,” Kai replied respectfully, showing due sportsmanship. “I hope we get a chance to battle again someday.”]
Handing your guy a crazy popular pokemon and his opponent a rattata does not leave the impression that he’s a great trainer who won on his own merit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420193/1/Master-Pok%C3%A9mon-in-a-Cultivation-World
[It was like that trip to Mexico with his parents—only much worse!
He let himself fall onto a nearby rock, tired of trying to find immediate answers. He needed time to think. The problem was that he didn’t know whether he could trust what the system was telling him.
Wasn’t it a common trope for the system to eventually betray its user, fulfilling some macabre purpose like turning them into cultivation material for some ancient being older than recorded history?]
Not a thousandth as common as that the system-haver gets a blessed life full of unending asspull abilities to always win. If you want your power fantasy character to also get in on the whining about how hard his power fantasy life is, it’s possible, but you’re going to have to really work way harder than just this to justify it.
If your plot revolves around transforming and changing animals first into pokemon and then into your own overpowered super varients, you should really be describing them at all. It was unclear if he’s finding a regular rabbit or a pokemon rabbit, then it’s unclear if healing it is enough to actually turn it into a scorbunny on the spot – his description of it never changes from just being a rabbit, despite the fact a mundane bunny and a scorbunny look extremely different. The only thing to go by is that the narration just christens it a pokemon now, and he doesn’t even stop calling it a rabbit as if it still looks the same to him.
[Although he didn’t know exactly what that meant, it was clear something extraordinary was happening with this small creature. ]
I’m glad it’s clear to him but you should probably bother to describe literally any of that extraordinary happening. Reading your fic is a lot like outside the room of someone watching a movie who keeps shouting “wow that was cool!”
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420404/1/Mentors (5 people, 2 spam)
A drabble is the term for a work of precisely a hundred words, not almost two thousand.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[You’ve climbed to the top, becoming the Monarch. ]
This is a really awkward lead-in to them offering to mentor him. It’d have been a lot more reasonable to have them just impressed by him winning a regular championship and then offer to help him improve further than saying they’ll help him improve from his current level of very-bestest-in-the-worldest. Alternatively, offering it as a training “partner” would’ve still made sense, and would’ve also worked way better for the double meaning you’re going for.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420405/1/Fall-of-Kalos (1 spam)
[“Commanders. Specifically target where the Pancham are.”
A holo-map blurred from a holo-projector outside the ring, detailing Endor and the tree-city of Bright Tree Village, Happy Grove, Sorrow Mountain, Vacant Valley, Molten Mountains, Lake Marudi, Mount Krana, Campalan Mountain Range, Lake Sui, Lightning Forest, Hanging Moss Village, Red Bush Grove, and Terak’s Keep.
Another one hundred and forty one locations, spots, areas of significance, and monuments appeared on the holo-map. The rest of the planet’s landscape was primarily forest. Mountains were dotted throughout, but like Kashyyk, this world was primarily a forest.
Lakes, rivers, and one ocean balanced things out on the otherwise mostly land-ridden world.
“I want fighters, assault crafts, tanks, and cruisers to destroy the canopy of the forest. Smaller vehicles are to pinpoint the canopy as well in addition to the forest itself. Focus planet wide fire on the forests and not just on one location, in addition troop transports should flank them and go level by level with flame throwers, grenade launchers, shotguns, and rocket launchers.”
“The Ewoks have no advanced technology and nothing close to ranged weapons or planetary defense shields, orbital bombardment is the simplest means to obliterate them. We could wipe out the forests from space in a short time.”
Feral nodded at the Advanced Tactical Droid.]
So is this you clumsily replacing text in what was a Star Wars story, or did you even more ineptly get a robot to churn this out without so much as looking at the output?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420579/1/Shirayuki (1 spam)
Spellcheck is important.
[Battling against the wind and snow three little Pokémon, all hisuian Zorua ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[We’re they not worthy of his compassion? ]
Were, Arceus does not have a known gender, generally think twice about subbing Jesus as if that’s the only way any religion works because not all gods are ones you expect to care about you.
[Was it difficult? Yes, yes it was. But Ingo had no choice as it was well known what people though of Zorua and he shuttered to think what they would do to the little ones if they would find out.
Yes people were somewhat kind but there were some who were more brutal, vicious and with hearts colder than the ice stone that can be found in the land of Hisui itself.
Not the nicest way to describe but it was the most accurate one.]
When it’s a major part of your fic, you should really think more about the why of it, especially when not getting into the why produces “the indigenous people my people end up killing off can be such evil savages”.
Why do they hate zorua so much, especially when this contradicts how they treat other pokemon? Is it just the zorua or are there other pokemon in the hated group? Even if he doesn’t fully understand it himself, bringing up the apparent inconsistency and saying that would be better than treating it as needing no explanation, and also considering that it’s at least possible these people who know these pokemon a lot better than him could have a reason to want nothing to do with them, and being anxious about what could happen by ignoring that.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420658/1/12-days-of-Christmas-with-the-Monarch (5, 3 from one person)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
I liked the characterization on this. Sabrina sounds distinctly different than Ash without losing the happier, playful elements she got from Haunter, and it’s reasonably flirty and makes a good case of why Sabrina would be pleased to see him rather than a harem-esque level of obsession taken for granted.
[Ash, still recovering from the kiss, chuckled nervously. “Well, uh… Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. and Mrs. Sabrina’s parents.”]
And this is a good Ash line!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420788/1/12-Days-of-Christmas
[Ash let out a deep sigh, his breath forming a small cloud. “Yeah, I have. Ever since we started traveling together. At first, I didn’t know what it was. I just thought she was fun to be around, you know? But over time… I don’t know. She’s just… different.”
“Different how?” Brock asked, genuinely curious.
Ash leaned back, staring up at the roof of the two story home. “She’s funny and smart and so determined. She always gives her all in everything she does. And she’s… she’s kind. She makes me want to be better, like I have to step up my game just to keep up with her.”]
This is deeply underwhelming.
Your fic is making the case for Ash and a specific girl on a show where Ash has now traveled with a lot of girls who hit the same broad strokes in personality, but I only know it’s May because that’s the name getting attached to this. Maybe Ash is just really shit at communicating his feelings, but communicating those to the reader is what the fic’s supposed to do so either Ash has to express himself with his words well, or the fic has to do it for him.
Just spending actual time on Ash watching May instead of a single line followed by Brock telling us that’s important would help, as would detailing May to highlight what Ash was actually seeing that he liked so much. She’s kind? Show her being kind. She’s funny? Show her being funny. She’s smart? Show her being smart. Show the specifics of what’s great about May instead of generalities, and show Ash noticing because he’s in love with her enough he cares about the details when it’s her. Have him point out stuff to Brock that Brock would never have seen himself, because he’s interested in her on a level other people aren’t.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420841/1/Amour-Holiday-Fever-12-Days-Til-Christmas (3)
It’s against the rules to post non-story chapters, and it’s absurd to post a couple sentences of author note by itself instead of with an actual story attached.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14420841/2/Amour-Holiday-Fever-12-Days-Til-Christmas
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421028/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Team-1234
[“Yup.” The Riolu said, ]
-Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
A ton of fics start copying the opening of the games. It’s not a good idea to rehash it yet again. Skip to the part where your story is different and start there.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421057/1/An-Ever-Changing-War-Pok%C3%A9mon-SI (1 spam, 4)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Changing direction as fast as I can, I throw myself into the high grass within the dense area of the foliage, the Mankey and Weedle jumping off me and heading their own way as they finally leave me be. Taking a moment to catch my breath as I lay on the ground, my eyes are met with a surprising and hopefully good find.
Beneath a fallen over tree is an Eevee, one that is absolutely scared and shivering. The sheer chaos happening in the forest has no doubt petrified the adorable little Pokémon, doing its best to keep itself small and hidden. ]
I appreciate that a mankey and weedle were involved before the inevitable eevee, but what’s an eevee doing there and why does it deserve comfort but not the other two pokemon that were so terrified they tried to piggyback out on a potentially hostile stranger? Why doesn’t he just go sit down with them to start? And why would they come back instead of fleeing further away when he’s really done nothing for them and the thing they’re running from is caused by humans?
Honestly, if you must hand him an eevee, it might be better to just say it’s included in the default isekai kit, then have him get regular pokemon from there. Plus being nominally a pokemon trainer from the moment of arrival would give him even more reason to want to get clear of the giant trainer brawl he appears in.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421076/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Playthrough (2)
[I’ve noticed there is a distinct lack of Pokémon gamer fanfics]
…really?
Or maybe there’s a lot that don’t get off the ground, but in that case you might want to figure out why and how to avoid whatever the common issue is.
[Gamer’s Mind – Allows the Player to calmly and logically think things through. Allows a peaceful state of mind. Grants Immunity to mental and psychological status effects.
Aside from the Organ stat, which is new territory for me, everything else is as expected.
The fact that my types won’t be unlocked off-rip is kind of a bummer, but I’m sure it’ll be fun to unlock them.
‘Gamer’s Mind is probably the reason why I’m taking everything in stride the way I am now’ I thought to myself with a mental chuckle.]
Also, I know these things are a power fantasy and it’s true that being able to think everything out to a superhuman degree would be necessary to pull off some stuff, but this really removing any sense of an interesting character. A guy who was actually so detached of a gamer and so set on treating this as just another fun thing that they’d killed their fear response and would still be logically chugging along about what their best course of action is while other people are exploding in front of them at least has a personality, fits in so well with someone given the chance to live in the regular version but thinks it’d be boring if he didn’t get Nightmare Mode Hellscape pokeverse instead because he doesn’t know how to enjoy anything but brutally punishing game challenges and probably already called living people in his original life NPCs, and it kind of wraps back into how maybe that’s exactly the sort of person who’d get sent to somewhere like this upon death. A guy who theoretically has a personality but it’s overwritten by what the game system decides he’s going to be – I mean, the system might as well just generate its own perfect little robot and play the game itself at this point.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421221/1/A-Night-With-Girafarig
Arceus is really not a good stand in for Christianity. Do the proper legwork to invent a pokemonized version of a hodgepodge death and rebirth religion with conflict around repression and sin vs acceptance and forgiveness. Also, probably rethink having all the bad guys running it be dark types.
[May no one be smithed for their mistakes.]
I think you’re trying to say smited?
[The Red Vulpix looks over at The White Vulpix, raising an eyebrow, concerned.
“Are you alright? You haven’t been the same lately in these sermons.” The Red Vulpix asked.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Howdareyou]
Borked italics.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421296/1/Pokemon-Unown-Adventures
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Some of these trainers can even be extraordinary themselves like Psychics who reflect the Psychic Type their Pokemon wield into themselves OR the Black Belts who, unlike their Psychic counterparts, don’t spell out their specializations with their title, but are hand to hand combat masters like their Fighting Type Pokemon. We could go on with the various unique trainer classes that go into the extraordinary, but we’re here for one specific kind of trainer.
Unown Alchemists unlock the hidden power within Unown. If you think this is the Hidden Power move, sit down and listen up! The Hidden Power Unown Alchemists unlock is extremely unique to every Unown plus Unown Alchemist combination. It’s not an exact science, and because of how varying and unorthodox the practices of the Unown Alchemists are, they are not qualified to participate in most Pokemon Leagues. ]
This is nonsensical.
The fighting trainers who are also good at karate personally do not participate in battles themselves and neither do the psychics. The manner and kind of personal power is irrelevant. Either they have pokemon which can battle or they don’t.