A cute Yueltide fic with delibird, and a really awesome opening about a shiny hunter tracking legendaries WHO GET “IT” PRONOUNS I’M SO HAPPY. Mostly just standard openings otherwise, including another entry into the reincarnation-through-Arceus subgenre.
Anime: 13
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13137204/1/Words
Blocked, don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13137205/1/Pokemon-Escape-to-Torren-from-your-problems
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.
[Speach : “Hey”
Thoughts/Pokemon Speach: ‘Emergency!’]
You want “speech”, and I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.
Additionally, you shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Timeskip 5 Days]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them. Generally, this is quite sloppy. I recommend reading up on grammar and/or getting a beta reader to help you.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13137655/1/All-is-fair-in-love-and-war
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
[Crane’s hands started to cramp up as he held tightly to the rails at the side of the aircraft, Staring at the floor trying to keep himself relaxed.]
Errant capital after the comma here.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Crane loosened his grip slightly and looked at the man.
“You seem confident, Mike. Got something up your sleeve?”
Mike smiled.
“Yes, I do.”
Crane raised his eyebrow.
“Okay, what do you have up your sleeve, then?”
“A piece of chocolate.” Mike reached up into his sleeve, pulled out some chocolate, and ate it.
“Screw you, Mike,” Crane said smiling, his nerves relaxing slightly.]
This is a bit too decompressed. While you may have heard that you need to make a new paragraph with every new line of dialogue, what’s actually going on is that it’s an extension of the rule that a new subject, or which a new speaker is one, is a new paragraph. This means it is actually possible to pair narration and actions with dialogue before it’s said, and that can in fact create better pacing and connection to the dialogue. Spacing everything out like this forces the reader to take a mental pause with every line, which can be very effective if you want people to linger on a dramatic moment, but probably isn’t what you want for simple banter like this.
I would format this like so:
[Crane loosened his grip slightly and looked at the man. “You seem confident, Mike. Got something up your sleeve?”
Mike smiled. “Yes, I do.”
Crane raised his eyebrow. “Okay, what do you have up your sleeve, then?”
“A piece of chocolate.” Mike reached up into his sleeve, pulled out some chocolate, and ate it.
“Screw you, Mike,” Crane said smiling, his nerves relaxing slightly.]
[While in the air it seemed almost peaceful until Crane noticed that his parachute had failed to open.]
Missing comma here.
[Crane opened his eyes found that he was standing in what looked like an office. He looked around to see a pale white deer with golden semicircles attached to its sides towering over him.]
No.
Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. It just isn’t. Those ‘golden semicircles’ are the Dharmachakra of Buddhism. It is very, very explicitly a Dharmic-inspired deity, and ignoring that is incredibly ethnocentric. Even just looking at its canonical behavior, it does jack while a madman is torturing its children into destroying the universe literally under its nose. The idea that is would care about some random human’s fate is OOC to an absurd extreme. If you want to do this sort of divine intervention, you need to use a god that actually does divine intervention. Ho-oh, maybe?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“I am Pokémon number 493,” Arceus sighed.]
That is so obviously a game mechanic and not something with any in-universe meaning. Trying to blend this kind of artificiality with an in-universe explanation just produces a nonsensical mess.
This entire preamble is pointless. This is a fantasy story. If you want a thing to happen, you don’t need to justify it. If you want him to be a growlithe, just have him show up as a growlithe.
As with every story in this genre, I just don’t see the point of this opening at all. Why does it matter who this person was on Earth? Why do we need to see all this instead of just him showing up in the pokeworld immediately? Why does it matter that he’s a former human at all? What does it add to the story to delay its actual opening like this? A good first chapter should make clear the purpose of every detail it includes and hint at how they could be significant to the rest of the story. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show, because you have no guarantee anyone will keep reading. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13137725/1/A-Dark-Encounter
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[He angrily complained.]
It’s generally awkward to use “redundant” adverbs. We can generally presume that if someone is complaining (or yelling, shouting, growling, etc.) it’s in an angry tone, so “angrily” is redundant. Your adverbs will have more impact if you save them for places where they’re not expected.
All sentences need punctuation, not just some of them. Generally, this is really messy. You should read up on grammar rules and/or get a beta reader to help you.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13137757/1/My-Night-with-Incineroar
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.
[“Ten! Dodge his supersonic!”
So in sync, he dodged.]
Uh, hold on, how does one dodge a sound wave? We know it has low accuracy in the games, but what does that actually look like? I think this warrants a little more description.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“Don’t worry lil’ Ekans, we’re going to get you back to your owner. Just pop into your pokéball and we’ll be there before you know it!”
“Oh, how can I repay you? My little Ekans is back all safe and sound!” The older woman cradled the snake pokémon]
It looks like there was a time jump here, but with no indication of such, this is confusing. You should probably add a symbol of some kind to denote a scene break.
[It curled itself around my waist, it’s tip]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
Given pokemon trainers are typically kids, you should prooobably either specify an age or tag this as underage. You should probably also tag this as dubcon.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13137787/1/Pokemon-Go-Tides-of-Change
Blocked, don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13138121/1/Three-Colors-One-CD
Blocked, don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13138175/1/A-Dubious-Fox-is-Within-Our-Midst
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.
It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.
[10 YEARS BEFORE MAIN STORYLINE]
It’s awkward to break the fourth wall in this manner; something like “10 years ago” is how it’s typically done, and you may not even need to do so at all.
[quicken it’s pace]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Bolding attack names is really jarring and unnecessary in prose. It’s clear enough what you’re talking about.
[????? HOURS LATER]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring. This goes double if you’re not even specifying a time – you can just make a jump.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13138424/1/Pokemon-Champions-League
Blocked, new user. Only reviews are Sevenways.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13138495/1/Love-s-rescue
Blocked, previously encountered. This one has no reviews at all.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13138570/1/Lost-Love-Found-Again
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix. Generally, it’s also best to avoid excessive formatting, as it’s jarring in prose. A better way to format pokemon speech might be to use a different symbol than quotation marks, such as curly braces.
It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.
You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[the last 9 years]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139138/1/A-Pokemon-Apart-Reignited
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.
[He also approached me saying that if I could get a pokemon on my own somehow before my sixteenth birthday which was coming very soon. I could go on my way, and follow my dream.]
This is both breathless and a fragment – you say “if I could…” but don’t say what would happen if he could until the next sentence. This should probably be [He also approached me saying that if I could get a pokemon on my own somehow before my sixteenth birthday, which was coming very soon, I could go on my way, and follow my dream.] Even that’s breathless though – you’re cramming a ton of information into a single sentence. I’d recommend splitting this up and rewording it. “Approached me to say…” maybe?
[heard a lot from mom]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
“Elite Four” should probably also be capitalized, if it’s the name of a professional organization.
[Floaroma town]
Likewise, all parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Floaroma Town”.
[It’s just a small town that centered around one theme…, flowers…,]
Errant commas here. You just need ellipses for a pause.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[She’s ok?!]
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but know that they’re very distracting. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.
This is a cute opening, but it’s a little lacking in plot, and I don’t see anything hinting that this will be different than a typical trainer journey. You have to understand that the standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s simple fact backed up by years of data on these sorts of stories. The games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. You should think about what kind of unique spin you want to take on this, and advertise it early on so people can get hooked.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139182/1/The-journey-through-Kalos-and-beyond
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
[Norman eyed his 13 year old child, his skills as a pokemon trainer has increased drastically.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Additionally, this starts in past tense but ends in present. You should keep your tenses consistent.
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.
[The Maple parent’s nodded]
No need for the apostrophe here – that’s only for possession.
It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.
why are so many anime fans into incest
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139241/1/Dual-natures
Blocked, previously encountered.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139349/1/Blistering-Heat
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. Even if this is just porn, it would probably be a good idea to tell people at least what pokemon or situation is involved.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139535/1/The-Power-of-Two
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This is more suited for a blog, profile, or forum post.
[Soundtracks have been added to add to the “feel” when reading during certain parts, I highly advise you listen to it if you’re really into the story, maybe it’ll make you feel certain emotions such as crying!]
I know this sounds like a great idea, but it doesn’t actually work in practice. It’s too much work to track down the music in the middle of reading, and the notifications are jarring to the experience. You might want to look into a multimedia platform such as Twine if you want to do this.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139988/1/The-Hero-s-Wish
Previously reviewed, not blocked.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13140221/1/Adventure-of-a-Lifetime
Blocked, SnowLucario. Anime.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141757/1/War-for-Ash
Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141877/1/Oooooooh-Shiny
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or shinies.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13140365/1/Sprout-Tower
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Hm. This is quite decently written, but a bit simple – there’s not much to comment on so far. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. What’s significant about the Sprout Tower and Tenzin’s involvement in it? What’s this story going to be about, really? Answering those questions will get people more invested in the story from the start.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13140441/1/A-Boy-and-his-Monkey
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
[2 months later]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
[Pallet town]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.
[the age for starting trainers having been raised due to someone senior realising how bad it looked that 10 year old kids kept disappearing]
I don’t know the statistic for how many gun deaths occur in the US every day off the top of my head, but the fact that statistic is “per day” and not “per year” is probably enough to get the gist across. A good chunk of those casualties – possibly the most visible – are kids. Has America budged an inch on gun control? The pokeworld’s obsession with pokemon make’s America’s relationship with guns look downright restrained. People don’t overturn sacred cultural institutions over a dead kid or twenty.
More importantly, what does this really add? What you are telling us is that Ash is going to go through the same obstacles and trials as in canon, but he’ll now be more capable of handling them. That just means there will either be no tension to the story, or he will have to act like he’s 10 anyway.
[I didn’t realise mum]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
As I said, my ability to read the characterization here is limited, but it seems to me that if you’re making such sweeping changes to Ash’s character, it might be better to just make an OC.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13140609/1/Charlotte-s-New-Life
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[a 21 year old woman standing at a small 1.57 meters]
Giving exact measurements actually isn’t as good an idea as it seems, because most people can’t draw up immediate mental images for them. It’s better to just say “she was small” – that also gives you the opportunity to embellish the description with other details.
[She had long auburn hair that she kept in a ponytail. She was working as an after school youth developer, or as she called it on bad days, after school babysitting. In her free time, she played video games and writes, that’s when she’s not working on college work. Overall, she was a great role model, and she uses it to imprint on children in a good way.]
So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Though it’s difficult, you should try to incorporate description into an action, or wrap it in imagery that’s thematically relevant to the character or scene. Give it layers, basically.
[-Much Later-]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
Why does a social, intelligent creature not have a name?
This is an interesting premise, but there’s not actually much here. Charlotte and the pokemon are all taking this extremely well, so there’s no tension. What’s this story actually going to be about?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141134/1/To-be-Fond
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Of course, Arceus couldn’t leave well enough alone.]
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. This is particularly awkward when Tabitha already belongs to a cult to another god.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141234/1/Something-Less-Than-Neutral
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141334/1/Life-Surprises
I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Xxx 3 Weeks later]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
All sentences need to end in punctuation. This is really messy. You really need to read up on grammar and punctuation rules.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141534/1/The-Paleontologist
Previously reviewed, not blocked.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141976/1/Ash-s-Moemon-Journey
Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime. One review complaining about moemon, to my delight.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141987/1/Freya-s-Pokemon-Journey
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[Join Freya on her journey through Kanto. She will face strong opponents and create special bonds with her Pokemon and friends. She will endure many hardships and celebrate various victories, but will she be able to face her rival and get all 8 Gym badges to become a Pokemon Master? In the end will her training and experience be enough to face her biggest challenge of them all?]
You may also want to pick a more original summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[all 8 Gym badges]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
Titling the story in the story body itself is redundant with the title on the page; I’d recommend removing it to let people get straight into the story.
You seem to be using tick marks ´ in place of apostrophes ‘. The spacing on tick marks is very extreme, and results in odd-looking words. I’d recommend replacing them with apostrophes.
[But getting a Pokemon License, a document which allowed the usage and capture of wild Pokemon, was an arduous task, requiring 8 years of studies on the Pokemon Academy or any other certified education institution, usually starting at the age of 10.]
That’s a massive departure from canon. If you want to do this, you need to label this an AU.
Moreover, I must ask you want is gained by this. There is certainly something to be said for making your character one of an elite few, but this comes at the cost of locking off the principal feature of the world to a select few people. It’s hard to argue for pokemon training being an intrinsic part of life interwoven with every aspect of culture like it is in canon if you do this, and I feel that makes it lose something. I like it when the fantastic elements of fantasy settings are widespread and open; it forces it to have a stronger connection to the world, and lets us see how more types of people interact with it. A dumb kid biting off more than they can chew and unleashing a rampaging monster is *interesting*. A poor kid with no formal training learning the ropes as they go and gaining power on their own merit is interesting. Ignorance combined with the fantastic leads to complications, and complications are what stories are made of.
[She had always been a tomboy girl and never liked when she was considered inferior just for being a girl. But that also didn’t mean she ignored the advantages of being a girl. She had always been a smart girl and if men would fall easily into seduction tricks she couldn’t see any reason not to take advantage of it.]
The pokeworld shows few indications of having such stark sexism. Once again, I have to ask what is gained by adding this. One of the nice things about Pokemon is that it is a fantasy world where women are (mostly) allowed to be just as competent and respected as the men, where we can forget about the prejudices and injustices that pervade our own lives. I have reservations about adding that back in unless you plan to do something significant with it.
[Red was always her Idol]
“Idol” shouldn’t be capitalized –
[She dreamed of meeting and battling Red for a long time now, among some lewd dreams in which he fucked her on top of his Lapras while both of them were crossing the seas. In another dream he soared across the skies riding his Charizard, while it´s cock was balls deep in her dripping pussy. her lustful moans could be heard all across the Kanto region.]
Well, that went downhill fast. Bye.
Got blocked for this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141767/1/Eating-the-forbidden-fruit
“Also, I don’t want reviews about the annoying critics of St. Elmo, thank you.” Blocked despite this, don’t recognize them. Anime. “Read about our well know characters of the Pokémon franchise succumb to their most provocative and carnal desires with their loved ones, not caring if they are committing a sin before God’s command.” o_O
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13139457/1/Chasing-the-Gods
[There were rows of pews leading up to a podium on the other side of the building- a church, that much was obvious- and stained glass windows on the sides, showing a progression of events. The first one was shades of dark blue and green, surrounding a luminous pale egg in the center; the second showed that egg hatching, with a white figure climbing out of it; the third showed the white figure in all its glory, golden rings surrounding its torso like a halo. The other three showed other Pokemon: a pink and white Pokemon with a pearl on its shoulder, a four-legged blue Pokemon, and a trio of floating fairy-like Pokemon. That was rare- Sasha didn’t usually see worship of Azelf, Mesprit and Uxie combined with worship of Arceus and the so-called Creation Trio. Giratina’s absence from the stained glass artwork, however, was completely expected. The Distortion World didn’t lend itself well to worship of the divine.]
Hm. This is a quite reasonable depiction of Arceus worship, but I do feel like casting Giratina as a purely negative figure is still a bit too Christian. Arceus has a strongly Hindu and Chinese aesthetic, religions that tend to avoid such antagonism. The idea that some sects might shun certain gods is sound, but I doubt it would be a universal thing.
[Sasha touched the multicolored charm around her neck- three little stones carved into feathers, one quartz, one amber, and one citrine- for the familiar comfort and curled closer into herself . Her Legendaries were much less merciful, when their territories were disturbed. Historical records of the Orange Islands put proof to that.]
Extra space here, and I love this. Different belief systems contrasting is great.
[“A nice place to shelter, isn’t this? In the bosom of Arceus himself.”
“Itself,” Sasha corrected]
THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU ARE THE BEST
[“And what exactly would you have me doing? If you’re just collecting shinies for a collection, or some type of showroom, I won’t be involved. They’ll have to be well-treated after I acquire them.”]
And capture ethics, too! I’m liking Sasha more and more.
[“We’d be paying you almost one hundred million Pokedollars,” he said, and Kirby jumped, staring in shock. Sasha wavered. One hundred million Pokedollars. That would be enough to provide her Pokemon with everything they’d ever needed. To have everything that she’d ever needed. That was nearly inconceivable nowadays.]
Hm, would it? If it’s equivalent to yen as it seems to be in the games, that’s only about one million dollars.
[Sasha flinched back from its massie form]
Should that be “massive”?
[Sasha watched them as they went, and caught a glimpse of an enormous green and white figure before the doors slammed shut. An Abomasnow. The blizzard hadn’t been natural after all.]
Oh, that is a wonderful detail. I love terrifyingly competent villains.
This is incredible. Your prose is gripping and intense, and Sasha is an instantly engaging protagonist. I love that you’re starting with not only an established trainer but a specialist, I love that you’re engaging with the mythos, I love that you’re engaging with how the *characters* engage with the mythos, I love the trainers’ relationships with their pokemon. I’m really interested to see where this goes.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13141726/1/Jotho-Journeys
Blocked, don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13142037/1/A-nugget-of-joy
Blocked, don’t recognize them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13142505/1/Solitude
I’m not clear what’s going on here. Did you accidentally post from a different story? This looks like a scene in the middle of another story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13140066/1/Deli-s-Delivery-Service-Extended-Cut
[He tugged at his side, kneading a paw-load of body fat.]
Didn’t you say he had flippers, not paws? I’m having trouble picturing how he does this with a flipper.
[the snow topped Lumiose City]
That’s a compound adjective, so it should be hyphenated, I believe.
[so for all he knew, it gathered dust in the kitchen, and didn’t even know why they kept it for so long when it wasn’t needed.]
This breaks parallel structure – when you don’t update the subject, it’s assumed the subject of the last aside is still active, so this is saying the anklet didn’t even know. “and he didn’t even know…” would work, but I think that sounds a bit awkward since the subject changes. Maybe split it, like “for all he knew, it gathered dust in the kitchen. He didn’t even know…”
[The more he pushed however, the harder it was to breathe so he kept at a low altitude]
This should have a comma after “breathe”, I believe.
[His lungs felt as if they would collapse in on themselves, or that his wings would snap off if he tried to move them again.]
Those seem like they could happen independently of each other – why “or” and not “and”?
[In the middle of the chaos was the Chief Postmonster of Lumiose City, Donovan the Dodrio, each three heads barking orders in three distinctive voices at the same time.]
Oh, so the pokemon are allowed to manage themselves! That’s a really nice detail that goes to show they really are being integrated into society. Also, the image of a dodrio manager is amazing. XD
[“Move it,” A Pidgeot called.]
[“Mayday, mayday!” It cawed]
[“Yuletide units, flee!” The Murkrow in the middle called]
Errant capitals here.
[So, with all his energy, Deli visualised how the move would play out; a bout of extreme speed, and forced his body to do the same. Nothing happened. He tried several times, but no matter how much willpower he put behind it, he couldn’t muster the ability to use it. Without Perry shouting it, the act didn’t have as much power to it.]
This is an interesting detail, and goes some way to explaining what pokemon get out of training.
[He dropped his altitude; their claws lightly brushing past his head]
This semicolon should be a comma.
[Once again, he inhaled, and…
“Aerial Ace!”]
Missing line break here.
[I never would’ve sent you out if I knew this happened]
Shouldn’t that be “I never would’ve sent you out if I knew this WOULD happen”?
[“Dodrio never forget, “Ennui Don droned.]
Space is on the wrong side here.
[“We got an order from Ambrette, from some guy named, er, Tony Lefevre, or some other weird name, but anyway, if you don’t see him, you’ll see a one-eyed Luxray that’ll sign for you.”]
Aha, a tie-in!
[“Quite a smart cookie, that one,” Chill Don said.
“So I’ve heard,” Ennui Don said. “Although I can’t imagine how horrible it must be living with just one eye.”]
This seems a bit strange, though – is Shine really that famous in the big city?
This was really cute! If I had a criticism, I’d say the prose was a little dry in parts – there’s a bit of “this happened, then this happened, and then this happened…” to it with not a lot of embellishment. I never had trouble picturing anything, so you have the basics down well, but it’s those flourishes that really elevate a story and make it gripping. You’ll likely improve with practice (The Curious and the Shiny is already quite good on this, I think), but it’s something to pay attention to.
I know this sounds like a great idea, but it doesn’t actually work in practice. It’s too much work to track down the music in the middle of reading, and the notifications are jarring to the experience. You might want to look into a multimedia platform such as Twine if you want to do this.
Nobody has to stop reading if they don’t want to. It’s a suggestion. Some people won’t think it’s “too much work” to look for music. The links would look better in a neater list, but suggesting they use an unrelated platform also seems to miss the point.
If you don’t like incest stories, that’s fine. But you should avoid them in the future. It’s clearly an M rated fic, tagged with romance, and the summary makes it obvious.
Your review of Chasing the Gods makes me want to go read it now. I’ll set aside some time later to do just that.
Also, that is really odd, about the incest thing, yeah. Why is it that it’s so friggin’ popular? Wasn’t there a whole anime devoted to a brother/sister romance thing? I think it was called Oreimo. What the heck, people?
I liked these reviews! Good reasoning for the “why this doesn’t work” and a few rewrites that I’m sure’ll be helpful. It’s been a while since I’ve set aside the time to go over your weekly critiques– makes me want to do a few myself. Things are settling down (FINALLY) over on my end, so I’m planning on doing a few reviews before Christmas. Maybe I’ll encounter a few gems, myself, then!
Wasn’t there a whole anime devoted to a brother/sister romance thing? I think it was called Oreimo. What the heck, people?
This is a whole genre in anime, little-sister romance. It’s a creepy combination of virginity fetishization, the desire to have some power over their partner, sexualization of children, the harem idea that women are all (literally all) secretly after your dick, and (I’d guess) a more normal fascination with the taboo. It’s like all of anime’s worst tendencies just coalesced into one mess.
Well, that’s disturbing! Like, I knew there was a problem with that stuff in anime, but I didn’t know it was an entire genre. That’s just really disturbing. Why do people think this is okay to put in media? It’s not taboo because it’s socially unacceptable, it’s socially unacceptable and a taboo because it’s fucking horrible. Why in the world do studios condone it? It’s insane.
On a related tangent, I’m watching an anime right now that has child sexualization. It’s really freakin’ weird and hard to watch, but I promised myself I’d get through it anyway. The rest of it’s great, but holy crap, there are two characters that have their own romance gag going and they can’t be older than eight. There’s a woman with huge breasts that sleeps with the kid and emphasis is put on that fact. It would look extremely disturbing if the genders were reversed, but somehow sexual advances from a much older woman to a young boy is okay. Overall, the anime is very enjoyable. It has lessons in friendship, (good) humor, acceptance of unfamiliar cultures, other good stuff, but come on. I wrestled with the idea of quitting the anime after the two eight-year-olds were the butt of a sex joke.
The anime in question is Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid, by the way, for anyone that might be familiar with it.
Oh good lord, who in the world got you to watch that.
Friend recommendation. Miiiiiiight have to take certain recommendations under reservation, haha. Not all of it’s bad… Just a lot.
I’m actually in the same situation with Made in Abyss.
The anime is sooo good. Great art, funny characters, the sense of adventure and weird world with the emphasis put on bizarre ecosystem.
Buuuut there is always this undercurrent of “so, does the author want to fuck those kids?” which… ah… leaves me with mixed feelings.
It’s like…
“Look at the pretty pictures!”
“But this is Wrong.”
“But look at the organic resurrection machine!”
“But this is Wrong.”
“But look at the way the story cleverly subverts the typical Hero’s Journey by making it a one-way trip!”
“But this is Wrong.”
And so on.
Anime (which I’ve seen first) apparently tones it the fuck down from manga, but all it means is that the whole thing just kinda creeps on on you. It’s, like, “OK, I’m probably just imagining things. It’s a comedy scene, the creators probably just struck a wrong tone on accident.” Aaaand, no. This shit keeps happening, so… yeah.
Wow, I’m shocked to hear that. The Made in Abyss manga is great and at chapter 46 I wouldn’t have felt the need to warn for that at all.
@illhousen, You pretty much described my thought process in a nutshell. Good stuff here… But child sexualization. More good stuff there… But child sexualization. I’m already this far into it… But child sexualization.
I’m still deciding whether or not I want to continue or not, I’m leaning toward “no” on my end because of a scene I happened to be spoiled on that had the main character seriously contemplating laying hands on the effectively-eight-year-old in her custody all because she was drunk.
Like, seriously. Come. On. That’s so not okay. How is that even supposed to pass for humor? I saw it on a goddamn “X funny scenes” thing on youtube. Aaaargh.
I’ve never seen Made in Abyss, but it’s been highly recommended to me before. It looked very interesting by the premise. I’m going to take your experience here as a precaution and not get myself into another Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid, though. Like I said before, there are genuinely good aspects to the show, but I simply cannot condone child sexualization.
Good luck with whatever choice you make over on your end. Ultimately, it’s okay to like a thing so long as you acknowledge the bad things and don’t justify or pass over them just because the rest of it is good. (I think Act or Farla said something like that here, these words of wisdom come not from me lol.) Let me know what your final decision is, if you’ve decided yet.
Had a similar situation with a manga I read a while back called Missions of Love. (Watashi ni xx Shinasai!) It’s about a novelist who struggles with writing romance given her own inexperience, so she decides to blackmail a two faced guy in her class into helping her get some practical experience. (Mission 1, hold my hand, stare into my eyes, ect.) It was pretty interesting seeing her learn the physical descriptions, and eventually the difference between love and childish lust, and the relationship between her and this awful guy was legitimately interesting. They kept trying to outsmart each other, and he didn’t know she was a famous novelist whose latest work was based off HIM. I struggle with romance writing too, so it was really cool to read. The only weird thing was her secondary love interest being her cousin, but it was pretty obvious that was never gonna happen. The story lines got super sexual a bunch of times thanks to the premise of the manga.
Anways, three quarters of the way through the manga, they revealed the characters were 12-14 despite their appearances. Everyone thought it was a high school manga until then, fml. All the sexy storylines were suddenly creepy as hell.
@Embershine, Yikes. Talk about being blindsided. That’s extremely odd, though. It’s like the opposite of creepy “loli” things, where the author makes a character obviously young in appearance and then makes it “okay” because she’s three hundred years old or something. (She just looks three, see? Totes fine now.)
I googled Watashi ni xx Shinasai. The guy, at least, does not look 12-14 range. The girl could pass for older as well, especially if she’s a published novelist. This person went out of their way to make passable older people young.
Weird.
Wow, what? I only read a little bit of Watashi ni XX Shinasai, when it first came out, and I would’ve never fucking guess it turned out like that. It just seemed like they were going to limit it to stuff like kabedonning or maybe a kiss they never actually got around to doing… And they definitely looked like anime high school kids (though, admittedly, I was reading it in Shoujo Magazine Rip Scanovision). The heroine was kind of short and small, but that’s not really atypical for anime.
Welp.
Looks like it actually has a sequel, where they’ve become an official couple, and actually are high schoolers. I only skimmed it, but it looks like the raciest thing they do is have a kiss in a photo booth, though its played up like they fucked in it.
Yeaaah, took me by surprise for sure. The two MCs are 14, and the other rival love interests are as young as 12. (Which is especially creepy because one of them attempts a couple assaults if memory serves.) They actually did say ‘middle school’ about halfway through the manga, but I thought it was a translator error. Then they revealed in print the main characters were 14 almost at the end.
They didn’t get too explicit, because it’s a shojo, but it definitely pushed the line into ‘adult manga territory’ more than once. I’m a little surprised they got away with that much, actually.
And I mean, I guess anime aging has always been a bit hit or miss. But seriously, the lead girl is extremely well developed for someone just out of elementary school. It felt really unnecessary to make everyone so young. Like…the lead guy’s voice might not have broken yet. It really did ruin the entire image of the characters I had up till then.
I might check out the sequel if it’s far enough in to the story. :) Or I’ll wait for a while until more chapters are out. I did enjoy a lot of aspects of the story, or I wouldn’t have gotten so far, so if everyone is high school aged I won’t have to live in denial, lol.
The site I happened to find it on only had a single chapter, posted seven months ago. It did seem like the female lead was a bit taller (though I suppose it could’ve just been art progression, since I don’t know what the end of the original manga looked like, it seemed like the ratio of her head to body is smaller than the first chapter of the original) and curvier.
I also found a speech bubble that says its her first day of high school, but I didn’t notice any mention of how long its been since the first manga. But I’d still be charitable and say all the characters are more likely to be 14 than 12 in the original. Third year of middle school, which is the same as first year of American high school. So they’re proooooobably equivalent to high school Freshmen in the first manga, and are 14 going on 15.
I would like to formally admit that I Was So So Wrong and am now utterly convinced the artist of Made in Abyss is a pedophile. Stumbled onto an interview where he says he designed Reg’s look to be reminiscient ‘of the sexy defenselessness of Astro Boy’ and I have never wanted so badly to repress a piece of information.
I will be over in the corner trying to come to terms with MiA being a fucking brilliant manga written by a dude who finds little boys sexy.
Seconded, to my shame. I tried reading the manga on my own time and came to the same conclusion as Act. I’d actually thought the boy being put in awkward situations independent of the girls was a sign that everything was copacetic, just made Unfortunate by manga’s usual tendencies. Dumb and wrong.
Cool Kyoushinsha can actually tell a pretty mature and uncommonly adult romance story when he’s not busy being an absolute fucking creep. The anime I Can’t Understand Why My Husband Is Saying is actually also by him, and its an extremely good story of two married adults. Even Kobayashi is a surprisingly rare type of adult character in anime.
It’s just that it seems like Cool Kyoushinsha is doing that entirely on accident, and would rather tell stories about sexualized children and girls with beach balls for tits. He even has a manga about a hentai artist (with beach ball sized tits) where her editor describes her work as “the rantings of a virgin addicted to masturbating” and I immediately thought that it absolutely had to be based on a story Cool Kyoushinsha had with his editor. And that’s one of his less disgusting series.
There’s the manga he wrote about a college-aged guy (that looks like twelve) who writes a picture book series about detached breasts getting a beach ball breasted roommate whose dick is just constantly falling in between them… urgh, he’s got a lot of gross shit in his library…
The two Dragon Maid spin-off manga (Elma OL Nikki and Kanna no Nichijou) aren’t drawn by him (and possibly aren’t written by him, though its his name on the cover) and are infinitely less creepy. The chapter of Kanna no Nichijou where Kanna and her creepy friend get into Kobayashi’s makeup actually reads like a chapter where two fifth graders got into their mother’s makeup. I still need some of a Creepy Anime Filter to ignore some of it, but I actually think that’s because I can’t take it out of the context of the main series where it would’ve been handled in a far more creepy way.
Elma OL Nikki is pretty fine, though, since it’s mostly about one of the dragons being an Office Lady and eating a shit-ton of snacks.
I actually think that the reason it’s so popular in anime and manga might have something to do with the fact that it’s a really convenient way to not only explain why the characters live together (allowing for more intimate interactions than if they just saw each other at school, where there are no baths to walk in on each other at all) and explain why the girl loves the boy without actually having to actually explain it because they’ve known each other for their entire life.
Though, to be fair to OreImo, it starts off as kind of a joke (as the title says, his little sister actually isn’t cute) and the point was about having a viewpoint character to observe the antics of the little sister, but it apparently stopped being a joke entirely due to the fact that the author caved to death threats he started receiving when the main character started going out with one of his little sister’s friends.
That said, little sisters falling in love with their older brothers have already turned into a cliche ripe for subversion. I have seen some manga (such as Ane Log) which are about people who paranoidly obsess over the idea that their (totally normal) sibling is in love with them to the point of basically doing to their sibling what they think their sibling is doing to them. And in Fudatsuki no Kyouko-san (by the same author of Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san), people treat the MC like he’s a siscon weirdo, because he’s weirdly and extremely overprotective of his little sister; but that’s actually just because she’s a vampire and he doesn’t want anyone else to know, and there’s nothing weird at all about their relationship. And some, like Cyclops Shoujo Saipu-chan just outright use it for laughs, because the MC is apparently the only person on the planet who thinks the way his younger sister treats him is fucking weird.
I think the weirdest one I’ve stumbled across is Maria-sensei wa Imouto Gachizei, by the same author of Yakumo-san wa Edzuke ga Shitai. It’s actually not even about a older brother and younger sister, but an attractive teacher and her scary delinquent student; and actually manages to somehow be weirder. The teacher has a crush on her older brother and her scary student who looks like him who does, like… older-brother… roleplay? It’s not even romantic, it’s just like… he treats her like his younger sister and she… does… younger sister stuff?
Googling this as I type so probably will miss some vital facts, but I looked into the Dharmachakra and from what I’ve garnered, Arceus’ Dharmachakra would apparently represent the four Noble Truths from Buddhism.
From what I can garner, the Truths have some logic to them that explains why Arceus chooses not to intervene, but I’m struggling to understand them :/
Well, it’s not necessarily literally a Buddha. Arceus has symbology from a whole lot of religions, and, well, Pokemon is just pop culture. I don’t think there’s meant to be any serious religious meaning, they just stuck a bunch of symbols on Arceus because it looked cool.
I maintain my theory that Arceus doesn’t intervene because it’s actually just an ultrabeast that can’t hold its breath for very long.
Well, that makes more sense than mine. I just figured it couldn’t intervene because it can’t leave the Hall of Origin unless someone plays the Azure Flute and opens the staircase to it up
Points to Elmo for the humorous reasoning behind Arceus’ lack of action. I’m definitely using that later if the opportunity arises.
If you were planning on incorporating Arceus into a fic, you might explain it away by having it be omnipotent or nigh-omnipotent, but not omniscient. Could be that it’s just cruising the cosmos without a care or clue in the world as to what’s going on in that weird blue-green planet light-years away.
Also, I may be able to shed some light as to why people use Arceus as a Judeo-Christian god figure. Have you seen the movie, Arceus and the Jewel of Life? In it, Arceus nearly sacrifices itself to save people from a meteor, but stuff happens and it tries to go all Old Testament on the world. Its signature move is called “Judgment.” Obviously, it’s not a biblical figure of any means, but I thought that might shed some light as to why people make Arceus a centerpiece of poke-religion. For those just looking at the games, Arceus is just a really powerful thing that’s somehow okay with being summoned by a ten-year-old’s flute skills and then being stuffed into a high-tech sack immediately after being serenaded into existence.
Like you said, pokemon is a hodge-podge of pop culture, and a legendary pokemon that’s attributed to the creation of existence is bound to take from any number of creation mythos. An analogy could be: Arceus is to religion as English is to actually comprehensive languages. Arceus is classified as the “Alpha pokemon,” which gives off “alpha and omega” vibes. Trying to shoehorn it into fitting one religion might be an exercise in futility.
Hybrid’s counter-review of Chasing the Gods is pretty much perfect proof that their counter-reviews are to spite you, not to help the authors. Even though it is a good story, Hybrid said it’s awful and been done to death, just because you liked it.