The manchild from a few months ago requested a review, apparently in some bizarre attempt at a gotcha. I chose to indulge him.
So you only target newbies eh?
Oct 11Mad Ass Dragon
Why hello there dear Elmo, how long has it been since we last spoke? Not long enough I’d say.
So… You only flame newbies or stories with short chapters huh? After that LOVELY conversation we had a while back, I completely expected you to do to me, what you do to others. In fact I HOPED you did… And yet, I’ve been left wanting, as I’ve heard nothing from you since.
So I hereby invite you to come and attempt to destroy my work, I’ll even tell you which chapter to focus on, as it’s the only one I haven’t rewritten to improve it. Chapter 9 is by far my weakest, but my best is the latest, but I doubt you’d go for my strongest chapter. But what can I do to stop you? Rage and hate on whichever one you want… Please, do. Your. Worst.I’m a patient man, I can wait, but I expect SOME kind of reply… Unless of course you believe my work is so perfect, that you cannot fault it at all. Failure to respond means that you are both a coward and afraid to face a good writer, and that my story is simply perfection in your eyes.I do hope to see you soon…
secs agoReview requests go through this thread: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/22859795/1/Chapter-Review-Exchange
2h agoActually, since my stories have so few chapters, they aren’t set up well for this. You might be better off doing the 13 general reviews thing.
42m agoHmmm… Evidence that I asked for the review, smart. But I wouldn’t deny it anyway.
And if you remember, I DID review your story before this, long ago. And you did not like my comments, as I remember you refused to answer me properly.
But if I am required to review again, I will. I’ll follow these “rules”.
19m agoOh, I will count the Blood is Thicker Than Water review, if you like. Your initial review was useless, but you elaborated enough in PM that I’ll count it. However, that still only counts for one review, and you want nine. At absolute maximum, you can only get six from reviewing me, and to help you avoid wasting time I will say that if you’re not familiar with the source material, there’s not much point in reviewing my non-Pokemon fics.
11m agoWhen did I say I wanted nine? I didn’t. I requested one, but said you could do as many as you wanted, after the first one I couldn’t care less.
I said CHAPTER nine, not NINE REVIEWS. It seems you need to learn to read a PM, before responding.
“I’ll even tell you which chapter to focus on, as it’s the only one I haven’t rewritten to improve it. CHAPTER 9 is by far my weakest, but my best is the latest, but I doubt you’d go for my strongest chapter. But what can I do to stop you? Rage and hate on WHICHEVER ONE you want… Please, do. Your. Worst.”
I have capitalized the important words, proving my point.
I have answered the forum as you said, when can I expect my review?
Oh and as it was requested, I shall be reusing this review elsewhere, bear that in mind.
2m agoI guess I should say this now to avoid unpleasantness later.
Chapter 9 is all that remains of my first attempt at this fic, and so has no bearing on the fic as a whole, I am aware of the mistakes in this chapter and did plan to correct them. But since I’m rebooting this fic, I see no point in it.
IF you are taking this seriously, then choose another chapter, if like me you’re doing this for the lols, then choose whichever you want.
I think that’s everything I needed to say.
1m agoI’m not sure why you want me to only review the middle of the story. I obviously won’t have any idea what’s going on. But if you wish it so I will indulge you, child. I’m a little busy right now, but I can probably review over the weekend.
secs agoOh, sorry, you ninja’d me. I will review the first chapter, then. If you also want me to review chapter 9, you can give me another review.
2m agoReview whatever the Hell you want, I don’t really care. I merely wish to see what kind of flames and hate you will throw at me, when my fic isn’t short nor written by a complete novice.
And because people have asked me why you have not “reviewed” anything of mine. It simply got me thinking, nothing more.
No. Not really, as I already know that chapter is complete crap and needs to be destroyed, I don’t require someone else to tell me, and I would so hate to read something else of yours, if that last one is anything go by, Elmo.
Didn’t mean to ninja you, I was in a rush to send the message and forgot that part.
Fine. I shall inform those who desired to know, that you should be flaming me over the weekend.
His post to the thread is also a treasure:
Forum: Complain About Farla
Topic: Chapter Review Exchange
Poster: Mad Ass Dragon
So… Apparently I have to post a request on here, before St Elmo’s Fire shall flame my story and call it a review. I appreciate criticism, I truly do, as people saying “This is great!” doesn’t help me improve, and drives the perfectionist in me insane. But his “reviews” are pure hate in my, and several others’, opinions. He has destroyed many writers because of his hate, and some have asked how I have gotten as far as I have, after reviewing his story, without getting a review myself.
I asked, no, invited him to do so and was told to make it a request on here.
Very well. I read and left a review on Blood is Thicker than Water, while it didn’t contain much besides my disgust, we did follow on with PMs which I can still provide if necessary. I pointed out errors and suggested improvements, which he ignored and decided that I was a child, and refused to answer me again, until this came up.
I shall copy and paste in the PM I sent him, here:
Why hello there dear Elmo, how long has it been since we last spoke? Not long enough I’d say.
So… You only flame newbies or stories with short chapters huh? After that LOVELY conversation we had a while back, I completely expected you to do to me, what you do to others. In fact I HOPED you did… And yet, I’ve been left wanting, as I’ve heard nothing from you since.
So I hereby invite you to come and attempt to destroy my work, I’ll even tell you which chapter to focus on, as it’s the only one I haven’t rewritten to improve it. Chapter 9 is by far my weakest, but my best is the latest, but I doubt you’d go for my strongest chapter. But what can I do to stop you? Rage and hate on whichever one you want… Please, do. Your. Worst.
I’m a patient man, I can wait, but I expect SOME kind of reply… Unless of course you believe my work is so perfect, that you cannot fault it at all. Failure to respond means that you are both a coward and afraid to face a good writer, and that my story is simply perfection in your eyes.
I do hope to see you soon…
I am aware that my story is not that good, the idea is good but the execution is poor, which is why I’m abandoning it and rebooting it. That is NOT why I request this review, Elmo, I request it because you have destroyed great stories, and I am curious as to what you will do with my piece of crap.
I could also use a good laugh, and flames, hate and trolls all give me a great laugh.
Since I already reviewed your story a long time ago, I don’t think I need to review again, but if for some reason my end of the bargain isn’t good enough, I could post another one… But as I already have reviewed, I don’t see the need to. My end of the bargain has already been met, when can I expect YOU to hold up yours?
Attack ANY chapter, but if your looking for crap, go to chapter 9. Chapter 15 is my latest chapter, as chapter 16 is Author Notes, and is my BEST chapter… By all means, attack any chapter.
Bring it on Elmo… Do. Your. Worst.
So who could turn that down?
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
Centering text makes it difficult to read, even in an author’s note.
[The sun shines in all its dazzling glory, the gentle summer breeze flows through the crisp, clean streets of Pallet town.]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so it should be “Pallet Town”.
This sentence feels unbalanced. I believe it is a comma splice; the first and second clauses are both independent, and could use an additional linker such as an “and”.
[The heat from the scorching ball of fire reminds those exposed to its warming glow, that summer has reached its peak.]
This comma is not necessary at all. You have many similar errors throughout the story. I won’t point out every one, but it is still distracting. You should read up on sentence structure and comma usage.
[The people of Pallet are just as old fashioned as the town they call home, electing to keep the traditional market running in place of any shopping centres or malls.]
Hm, really? I don’t really get that impression from Pallet. Kanto as a whole is a very modern, industrialized region, and hosting a prominent scientist’s lab in your town doesn’t seem very “old-fashioned”.
[(A/N I will be referring to Professors in this story as P. Insert name here)]
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production. You should put this kind of thing above the story, in your main author’s note section.
This is also incorrect, and looks very strange. The abbreviation is “Prof.”
[During the long summer months many parents send their children to P. Oak’s Summer Camp, this allows their children to make new friends, learn more about Pokémon and just have fun during the heat filled weeks of summer.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
There’s no indication Oak functions in anywhere near this official a capacity, even in the anime. In the games he only gives you a pokemon as a personal favor, and doesn’t seem to interact much with the rest of the populace. It’s also hard to square this with your characterization of Pallet as “old-fashioned” – summer camps are a big resource investment, and a town getting this much attention and revenue should modernize quickly.
Just because games start in Pallet doesn’t mean all journeys have to start there, or that Pallet is the center of the universe.
[The Pokémon league funds these events every year; this allows P. Oak to offer it free to the citizens of Pallet.]
Okay, but why? The Boy Scouts are not typically hosted by backwaters and absentminded old men. While I can see an indoctrination program would be of interest to the government, they could get a lot more bang for their buck by hosting it in one of the big cities.
[In exchange for the funding he receives, P. Oak teaches the children about Pokémon training and battling]
You only say the League funds the event, not Oak’s research. Funding an event typically means just supplying the operating costs. If Oak is also getting research money out of this, that’s an additional, and significant, payment they’d have to give to him.
[The generosity of the league doesn’t end with funding though; they also provide one lucky camper with a special prize of their choice, a starter Pokémon specifically, from anywhere in the world.]
There’s no indication that “starter pokemon” is anything but a game convention, and quite a lot that implies otherwise. Most trainers get their pokemon through different means, and again, most of the time you only get the starters through special circumstances. By all appearances they are simply rare species that the professors like to research.
Also, what does the League get out of this? If kids are already tripping over themselves to sign up for your indoctrination program, further incentives seem an unnecessary waste.
[This is a prize that is highly sought after, not just for getting a rare Pokémon for free, but for the opportunity to gain a lifelong friend who will always stand by your side.]
Except they could also get a lifelong friend just by going into the woods and catching one. Anyone obsessed with getting a starter is only in it for the rarity.
[To decide who will receive this highly sought after prize; the children earn points for winning activities or for acts of good sportsmanship or extreme kindness.]
You want a comma here, not a semicolon.
[Finally there is the largest cabin, the assembly chamber; its walls are filled with large windows to allow natural light to flood in. P. Oak makes his announcements here]
Yeah uh, I really don’t think you’ve ever met a real professor before. Research is a full-time job, and the kind of person willing to dedicate their life to researching obscure minutiae is generally not the kind of person who enjoys administration and public speaking.
If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, you notes can look like part of the story.
[P. Oak himself is an older man, but is in surprisingly good condition for it, you’d never guess he’s in his sixties by looking at him.]
Uh, really? He does look like he’s in his sixties to me.
[His skin is quite tanned for his age, although seeing as he spends a lot of time outside in the field it makes sense.]
Oak is pale as a sheet. Look, if you need an OC to make your story work, you should just write an OC. Insisting your OC is wearing a canon character as a suit is just weird and disconcerting.
[His white lab coat always covers his shoulders and shields his body from the cold.]
If you think lab coats protect you from the cold, you’ve never worn one. They are thin, stiff, and highly uncomfortable. No one would actually want to wear them outside of the lab. (And they’re not worn at all in the field; field researchers typically wear hiking gear, if they wear special equipment at all.)
[A pair of perfectly polished dark brown loafers covers his feet and ties his outfit together.]
If a field researcher wanted perfectly polished shoes, they’d have to be polishing constantly.
[Just one of the questions he seeks an answer to, is why do Pokémon choose to obey humans, when they are clearly the superior species? While humans have greater intelligence, at least in terms of being able to advance technologically, Pokémon have powers humans will never have… So why do they obey a species that is weaker than they are?]
Oh, this is actually interesting. These are good questions.
[While he doesn’t support the reasons for the league’s aid]
Wait, what? You haven’t mentioned this. What are the League’s reasons, and why does he disapprove?
[In a place like this, it’s rare for a family to be able to provide such financial aid themselves, so any help is welcome.]
So wait, are *all* the kids from Pallet? Again, why is the League throwing so much money into this backwater when they could get so many more trainers from the cities?
[“Each of them has that something special about them, that something that separates them from the others… I know one of them will win the prize this year, the question is, which one?” He thought.]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, the rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.
[She has thick honey blonde hair; it ends in slight curls that brush against her shoulders. Her eyes are deep sapphire blue; many of the other children have asked her why she has precious stones where her eyes should be, while some would see this as a compliment, to the shy girl it’s just another group of strangers to scare her. Her sensitive skin is very fair, fairer than a young girl’s should be at this time of year; she clearly hasn’t spent a lot of time in the sun this summer.
The strangest thing about her by far, is her scent. For some reason she always carries a very strong scent of honey around with her, even when she goes without the sticky sweet treat, the scent remains with her just as strong as ever.]
Okay, this is quickly getting creepy. Why is Oak paying attention to how the kids smell?
I can understand you feel the need to describe these characters, as they will presumably be important, but when you’re writing third-person limited, you have to be aware that everything in the narrative reflects on the narrator. If Oak is saying/thinking these things, they’re things he has noticed. If he’s pausing the narrative to go on a multi-paragraph treatise, they are things he cares about more than the main train of thought.
(This is something a lot of readers honestly do unconsciously, as most writers do this on purpose. We can usually infer a lot of things about a character by the way they look at the world through narration. If you don’t mean to do this, you should use an objective narration style, such as third-person omniscient. In this case, it might be wise to wait until the characters actually appear to describe them physically; this section feels dragged-out as it is.)
[Next on his list is his own grandson, Blue Oak. The fact that they are related has nothing to do with his being on this list]
Somehow I don’t think the League will agree. Even if it’s true, there’s no way to definitively disprove nepotism as a motive. Oak should not be allowed to evaluate Blue for this at all.
[he has inherited his Dad’s battling skills]
Titles (such as “mom” or “dad”) are only capitalized when used in place of a name. Otherwise, they’re common nouns and aren’t capitalized.
[He spends a lot of time studying on his own, if he were to continue doing so while exploring the world; he would become a true force to be reckoned with. But of course for that to happen, he’d need a Pokémon of his own.]
…Which he could easily catch himself, if he’s as skilled and industrious as Oak claims. Seriously, professors handing out starter pokemon are not the one and only way to start a training career.
[She would do best by having a Pokémon of her own, and then spending her time studying in the peaceful solitude of a study hall.]
Why would she need her own pokemon for that?
This needs to be hyphenated.
[Despite being a girl and her Mom’s many attempts, young Lily hasn’t ever worn a dress for more than an hour since she was a baby. Her Mom has tried many times to get her to act more lady like, but Lily flat out refuses to, going as far as to burn any dresses she is given. Her Mom often complains that she has two sons instead of a daughter.]
Is she correct? This might be expected of a teenager, but coming from a seven-year-old, it sounds more like gender dysphoria to me.
[those electric blue orbs]
You really shouldn’t refer to eyes as “orbs”. It sounds ridiculous.
I’m pleased that the odd-numbered group is majority female. The Ketchums sound like very transparent Mary Sues, though, especially against the other, ordinary kids. I do hope you have a good explanation for why they seem to have supernatural powers; otherwise, you should probably tone them down so they’re more on par with the other three.
[Wait a moment, who says only one of them can have a Pokémon?]
Uh, the people funding this?
[Time skip: 1 hour]
This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
[one wrong step and you’ll fall face first into the growth ridden forest floor]
The general you sounds awkward in third person. It’s generally recommended to word these constructions differently.
[Above the bountiful but dangerous bushes, mighty trees stand strong, with trunks thicker than any normal child is wide. These titans of the forest climb towards the sky above, dominating the only source of light this place has and blocking it from the floor. Thick branches protrude from the trunks, sprouting out countless leafs, each one searching out the light they crave. Some of the trees are imitating the bushes, or perhaps the bushes are imitating the trees. Regardless, ripe berries hang from the branches, practically begging to be plucked from their home and devoured. Thick moss has grown across the trunks of these trees, climbing its way towards the light, the one thing all plant life craves and competes for.]
Your prose is starting to get exhausting. You don’t have to describe everything in this much detail.
[He slowly takes a couple steps out of the thick bush, his eyes remain firmly locked onto the most beautiful gems his eyes have ever had the pleasure of gazing into. A surge of blood rushes into both of their cheeks, warming their flesh to burn brightly in the darkness of the forest. Their hearts flutter in their chests, sending a wave of uneasiness through both of these young children.]
This is ridiculous, and not at all romantic when she’s in the middle of bleeding out. Her wound should be a lot more noticeable than her eyes.
[After hearing her explanation for how this happened to her, Red continues to offer her a kind smile and a sympathetic ear. He never once suppressed a laugh, a snicker or a smirk; he just sat there, listening to her patiently.]
Uh, how long is this taking? Leg wounds bleed fast, there are a lot of arteries there. She should be delirious at this point.
[While she looks on in horror at the gash, he simply looks on with a keen eye. Making mental notes about the wound and remedies that could counteract the symptoms, or at least buy her a little time until she can get some proper help. “This is bad, there’s too much swelling for a simple cut. The redness isn’t good either, something is irritating it” He thought. “Shiny. That’s even worse. The clear shit’s here, this wound’s infected. Hmm… Pecha berries will weaken the infection; Oran’s will dull the pain”]
And it seems I have to take back that cookie about having a majority female cast. Girls existing only to get daintily hurt and then be vapid idiots while a man explains how to fix everything is a really stupid and annoying trope. Serena was supposedly in the same quality bracket as Red. Having her be this clueless is absurd.
Also, seven-year-olds do not talk like this or act this composed. If you want to write about teenagers, just write about teenagers.
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
[He sweatdrops nervously.]
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.
And you’ve just spent multiple pages describing him dressing her wound. Sorry, but this has gotten too boring for me to keep going.
The most important thing I have to say is that you need to cut down on your purple prose. More description and detail is not always a good thing in writing. Writing is about communicating ideas clearly, and excessive description can get in the way of that. Most of these scenes could have been covered in a third of the length, and they would have been clearer for it. Focus on what you’re trying to convey with each scene, and try to keep the story moving. Mundane tasks like dressing a wound only need to be covered in detail if the details are important.
Your characters are also not compelling. They are bland, annoying stereotypes, and kids behaving like insufferable gremlins does not become any more enjoyable just because it’s realistic – quite the opposite, really. At the very least, you should introduce all the characters properly, from their own viewpoints. Hearing about someone from someone else’s perspective is like learning about a country from a tourist pamphlet. To be truly invested in these characters, we need to get inside their heads and see how they act in reality first. Show, don’t tell.
re: Your review to The Animal Within: You can’t cage the Beast
Oct 14Mad Ass Dragon
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11451069/
Hehehehehehe… Well aren’t I lucky? I got the review a little earlier than I thought, but that’s likely to do with the time-zone difference.The drop down menu should suffice? Perhaps, but I feel it’s more professional to have it there as well. In addition to this, I simply like it and shall keep it there. Regardless of what you, or anyone else, says.
Well I’ve had no complaints from anyone else, and when I read it in others’ fics, I have no trouble. Perhaps its simply you that has trouble reading sentences in a slightly different format.[Pallet Town]
That is a genuine mistake on my part that shall be corrected in the future, I failed English class 3 times in a row due to struggles with the subject, so things like this are bound to slip through the many cracks in my knowledge.
A year and a half ago, when I rewrote that chapter, I was not as skilled as I am now. So I made mistakes.
Oh? It’s distracting to see a comma? Wow you really are a grammar Nazi. So would a long sentence without a break, be better? Is this bugging you to? Such a shame.
So the Pallet Town in my fic HAS to be EXACTLY like the anime? I don’t think so. Pallet is a tiny little town, it’s only real draw is P. Oak’s lab, but even that is more of a ranch than a laboratory. The town was designed to be old fashioned now, and more modernized later on, when the characters were older, as there is a ten year time skip. During which Red leaves his home town, and doesn’t come back. It was meant to be a little something called… “Development.”
Maybe you’ve heard of it?
No excuse for that Author Note (A/N), I quickly realized my mistake and stopped using them. I think chapter two is the last one to have one.
I DO capitalize Dragon, I also capitalize pokemon types so the reader understands I mean a typing, rather than the actual thing itself. Such as fire, when I talk about the Fire type, I capitalize it. I am also aware of this mistake, and it’s one that has been corrected in the chapter I’m working on and all my future plans.
So there’s no indication in the anime that P. Oak gives out pokemon? Take a look at the very first episode. There’s a TV show about him giving new trainers their pokemon, and what of the other three trainers besides Ash? In pokemon Chronicals (I think that’s the right name) he also gives a boy the chance to pick from three pokemon, and he ends up choosing Bulbasaur. Other Professors also give trainers their first pokemon, it’s the basis for practically every TV series that kicks off in a new region. I cannot vouch for Sun and Moon, as I refuse to watch it.
Try doing your research, before accusing others of being wrong.
True enough about the old fashioned aspect, it’s a mistake that went unnoticed at first, but wasn’t fixed as I decided to focus on the future rather than the past.
The journey DOESN’T begin in Pallet. It’s simply where the first arc began, the journey begins in Kalos, Lumiose city. As the shit hits the fan there, that makes the journey begin. But this is changed in the rewrite.
The pokemon league isn’t the government in this fic, it’s a sporting league, NOT a government. P. Oak is a highly respected individual in Kanto, a former Champion in his own right, many see him as a level to reach. Sorta like a celebrity, people aspire to be like him, or rather, what he was like before he gave up his title. True enough he could abuse this position, but he doesn’t.
Yes. I only say the league funds the camp, not his research, because they don’t. He funds his research in other ways, ways that are not important to the plot, so are not discussed.
(Sigh) It seems you do not watch the anime. At all. In the Hoenn region, there is an episode where Ash and Max borrow May’s Torchic, to use it as a decoy starter, because they lost the actual Torchic. A girl had to choose between the three STARTER pokemon. True enough most people get pokemon another way, but some lucky few get an actual starter.
The starter was a request of P. Oak, as it gives him the chance to study a pokemon from a different region, before giving it to the winner. He only has access to Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle.
They could go into the woods and get one? Pokemon are sentient beings, for the most part, and are going to resist being kidnapped and forced into servitude. A starter is already tame and raised to be a child’s protector against other pokemon. They also grow to become very strong, and by earning their loyalty while they are weak, the child gains a powerful ally in the years to come.
Of course I have never met a real life researcher, how many people actually have? But in the anime, which this chapter was, regrettably, based on, P. Oak hardly ever researches. Even researchers can have vacations dude, even if it is running a camp of lively children.
P. Oak looks in his sixties to you? Maybe people age differently here, as I’d say he looks to be in his early fifties rather than sixties, at least by UK standards.
P. Oak is slightly different in this fic, big deal. I use OCs, but I don’t force them into cannon shells.
Really? You’re commenting on his shoes? (Sigh) Is he outside working in the field now? No? Is he an older man, who likes to keep his shoes looking good when he can? Yes? Well then you have your answer.
You actually like something I wrote? OK I am surprised by this… This question is answered later on, if you had read it all, you’d understand that.
Another mistake. I meant to include that the league wants to use children to generate income for itself, to commercialize being a trainer. Make children crazy about something, they’ll bug the Hell out of their parents to get it… Like tickets to the league event, held once a year?
No, of course they’re not, but how many people can afford to travel across the country for an entire year? I sure as Hell couldn’t, and I don’t know anyone who could. By doing this the league helps to disperse rumors that it only cares about money, even if it does, it doesn’t help PR for everyone to know. If they only cared about money, why set up in a backwater town like Pallet? But by also doing it there, they feed of P. Oak’s fame. Win win.
As for the tense, this was a mistake I made throughout my fic. I set out to be different, and for some reason thought that meant I could write in the present tense. I was wrong, and this mistake shall not be repeated.
These are his own personal thoughts, he’s highly curious and pays attention to things that may not seem important at the time. Have you never noticed a strange smell on someone, and wondered why they smell like that? Most people disregard it, but it’s not in his character to do so. Strange yes, but part of the curious nature of a researcher.
Again these are his own thoughts, he’s preparing a letter for the league, do we always write everything down exactly as we think them? No. He may be a researcher, but he’s not perfect and more than a little biased.
True enough they’re not, but would you want your grandchild to run the risk of taming a wild animal, without something to protect them? I think not.
P. Oak is the kind of person, who believes everyone would be better off with a pokemon at their side. Has he ever said anything different in the anime?
Lily is strange as a child, it’s something she grows out of. But she doesn’t like dresses and never will. One of my cousins had a daughter a few years ago, who always hated being in a dress as a baby. She’s grown out of it now though… Not every girl has to be the typical girly image dude.
2h agoJust because she doesn’t like dresses, doesn’t mean she has gender issues.
To you perhaps, but not to everyone.
Transparent Mary Sue? I can understand why you’d think that, but if you read until the end, you’d see why they’re so strong compared to others.
They do have powers, as do many others, but most people do not realise this. It’s secret to most. But Red and Lily are still being trained, as such they don’t have proper control over their powers to hide them properly, as such they come out in ways like this.
[Uh, the people funding this?]
They supply one starter true, but P. Oak has access to his own starter pokemon, which he can give away if he decides to.
It’s NOT meant to be romantic, but rather a demonstration as to Red’s damaged psyche. Normal people would be bothered, if not horrified, by the sight of the blood… But he isn’t. He thinks it’s perfectly normal to see wounds and blood.
Why? Because he and his sister are being abused VERY badly, while I haven’t shown the wounds in this version, I have shown the effects it has on them.
Red is beaten to a bloody pulp all the time, sometimes so badly, he cannot even breathe normally. So a wound like this, doesn’t bother him and it takes him time to notice it and realize it’s not normal for people to be like this.
HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Girls exist only to be like that? Dude you know nothing. My girlfriend’s nothing like that, and neither is my friend Hazzer, they’re both strong women who take no shit from anyone.
Serena is shy and scared here, she’s a seven year old after all, but she grows over time. As we all do.
By the time the true plot kicks off, she’s a totally different person.
It’s called character development.
As for Red knowing what he’s doing… What seven year old knows this shit? He’s in a completely different league to Serena, if you’d read on, you’d know this.
Red and Lily aren’t normal at all, they don’t get to be very childish, the abuse has forced them to be more mature. As for the others, genuine mistake.
Well every proffesionally written thing I’ve ever read, has used the phrasing “OK”
This representation was abolished a while ago, this mistake died after a while.
I hear what you say, and I said I was aware of them. Which is the main reason why I’m tearing this fic down and restarting it. I’ve grown since this was written, and there’s just too many mistakes to warrent fixing it.
It’s better to simply start again and do it better.
My characters aren’t compelling? Perhaps not in this early chapter, where I fucked up on them, but as a whole my characters have garnished a great deal of interest. Particularly Red.
He is an enigma, a mystery that is difficult to uncover. His actions are that of a villian, not a hero, yet he fights for the good in this world and serves the light. Despite his evil, cruel and sadistic nature, he fights to protect. Not to destroy.
Tell me, why would someone so evil, do something like this?
As he grows Red’s name becomes an icon of fear, of pain, of death. He slaughters entire towns, butchers men, women AND children and doesn’t even batt an eyelash. He enjoys ripping limbs from the living, stripping the flesh from their bones, drinking their blood and crushing their bones beneath his heel.
He is evil. Absolute evil. Yet he fights to protect and defend… Why?
His power is unstoppable, if allowed to ignite, and his rage is a fire that can never be extinguished.
Red is a Monster. THE Monster.
If you read on, you’d see for yourself just how compelling he truly is.
You of all people should know what a bland and uninteresting character is. At least mine grow and change, rather than staying exactly the same throughout the fic… Unlike Hau.
I am honestly disappointed in this review, all you’ve done is copy what I did to you. I expected hateful flames that would cause lesser men to feel pain, to be upset, to make them want to quit.
But all I got was bitching and moaning. Disappointing.
I thank you for this review, but I truly hope I never have the displeasure of encountering you again. Either on my work, or the work of my friends. This site would be a much better place, if people like you weren’t on it. This is not a place for professionals, it’s for amatuers and judging what they write as a professional piece is both unnecessary and cruel.
The only way you could possibly have the time and desire to do something like this, is if you have no social life, no job, no bills to pay, and no life whatsoever.
How’s your parents basement working out for ya? Get used to it, because someone like you is never going to leave it.
secs ago[I am honestly disappointed in this review, all you’ve done is copy what I did to you. I expected hateful flames that would cause lesser men to feel pain, to be upset, to make them want to quit.]
Why would you? This is how I normally review.
And indeed, I have not watched much of the anime, as I said in the thread. If you wanted meaningful commentary on your anime-based fic, you should have asked someone else.
[I truly hope I never have the displeasure of encountering you again]
Then block me.
5m agoWell since blocking doesn’t affect PMs, I see no point in doing so. Hateful reviews towards myself and my work are not only welcome, but are encouraged, so blocking someone for doing that would be rather hypocritical, would it not? And simply ignoring you is not in my nature, it bugs me no end you see.
Why? Because most of your reviews have been far more destructive towards the writer, than this has been. Several times you’ve targeted the writer themselves, accusing them of all kinds of things. But all you here, was point out flaws.
I am disappointed.
I didn’t read the thread much, only the rules. The first chapter was based on the anime, but from the second chapter onwards, it turned less and less like the anime, and more into a mixture of the games, anime and my own twisted ideas. All I did was show you how you were WRONG.
Don’t like it? Kiss my hairy ass, bitch.
secs ago[The first chapter was based on the anime, but from the second chapter onwards, it turned less and less like the anime, and more into a mixture of the games, anime and my own twisted ideas.]
Then my criticism holds — you could have chosen from a lot of world states, but you chose the one that makes the least sense.
[Well since blocking doesn’t affect PMs]
It does, actually.
[Why? Because most of your reviews have been far more destructive towards the writer, than this has been. Several times you’ve targeted the writer themselves, accusing them of all kinds of things.]
Do you have specific examples you can point to?
44m agoAnd so does my argument that it was a MISTAKE and has not been repeated. I don’t deny it was a stupid mistake, I learned from it and corrected it.Oh does it now? Then explain why, after blocking this particular user, I kept receiving PMs for several days? I blocked them and kept getting PMs, it doesn’t work.
Yes. I do.
Murloc Rampage’s fic, Our Sweet Romance.
The review that caused me to become aware of your petty existence.
[Like… you are seriously using textbook lines rapists use to coerce people. It’s obvious from your other fic that this is your fetish, but you claim this story isn’t just fetish porn. You are constantly saying that this is supposed to be a healthy, model relationship that is good for Rui. But this is not a healthy depiction of sexuality or relationships in general. Because you’re depicting what is supposed to be a serious, romantic relationship, this is no longer just fantasy; you are implicitly saying this behavior is what a real couple looks like, and that is simply irresponsible.]
You partly aim at the fic, but you directly accuse Murloc of living out sick fantasies through his writing. Hence, attack of the writer directly.
He’s referring here to an off-the-record review I made for a later chapter of that rapey gardevoir story where the gardevoir rapes the boy. I’ll post it here for reference:
[Silvia laid down, her lips centimeters from mine, “I lost my virginity when I was 13. I think it’s about time you lost yours.”
I looked aside, “What if I don’t want to lose it?”
Silvia cupped my cheek, making me look at her, “Don’t you love me?”
I nodded, “Oh course I do.”
Silvia smiled sweetly, winking at me, “Then wouldn’t you want to make me happy?”
I was nervous, “Yeah… but don’t you want to make me happy too?”
Silvia kept smiling, “Trust me, it will make you happy. Very very happy.”
I looked away, “I’m not sure…”]
[When she pulled back, I whispered, “Stop it.”]
This is rape.
It doesn’t matter if she thinks he’ll enjoy it. It doesn’t matter if he does end up enjoying it. If your partner isn’t sure, you have to listen. If they say no, you have to stop. The fact that he does not appear to have a sex drive also makes this look like she’s molesting a child. He isn’t ready yet. It doesn’t matter if Silvia is sure he’ll be ready eventually, if she forces the issue, it’s rape. He is the only one who gets to make this decision.
Like… you are seriously using textbook lines rapists use to coerce people. It’s obvious from your other fic that this is your fetish, but you claim this story isn’t just fetish porn. You are constantly saying that this is supposed to be a healthy, model relationship that is good for Rui. But this is not a healthy depiction of sexuality or relationships in general. Because you’re depicting what is supposed to be a serious, romantic relationship, this is no longer just fantasy; you are implicitly saying this behavior is what a real couple looks like, and that is simply irresponsible.
There is a way to make this healthy while still allowing for your fetish. All you have to do is have Rui explicitly consent. It’s fine for one partner to be sexually aggressive and one to be submissive, but if this is to be a healthy relationship, Silvia has to respect Rui’s wishes. We have to be certain that she will back off if she does something he’s not comfortable with.
secs ago[Oh does it now? Then explain why, after blocking this particular user, I kept receiving PMs for several days? I blocked them and kept getting PMs, it doesn’t work.]
That shouldn’t be possible. There must have been an error somewhere. I suppose you could try sending a bug report to administration, though you’re unlikely to get a response.
[The review that caused me to become aware of your petty existence.]
Uh… no, it can’t have been. I wrote that a month after your revenge review. (And I only now notice that you chose to reply to me in the reviews, which is just silly. You do know I don’t get alerts for reviews on other peoples’ stories, right? I don’t see those. All you’re doing is causing more stress for the author by flooding their inbox with arguments and reminders of the original review. Let authors defend themselves.)
Anyway — no, that absolutely was about the story itself. “Living out sick fantasies through one’s writing” is objectively what is in the text. It’s not something I normally have an issue with; plenty of authors, both published and fanfiction, do it and it is usually harmless. I objected to the specific way it was portrayed in that specific story. (Nor was my goal to demoralize Murloc and make him stop writing — if I wanted to do that, it would have been far more efficient to just say “This sucks, die in a fire.”)
He said he had to pause this to do real life stuff, then after several days:
Oct 19I know Princess said I’d reply to you, but to be honest I just can’t be bothered with this anymore. I’ve got too much to do, to be talking with scum like you. Maybe later, when things calm down, I’ll resume this, if not, then go fuck yourself in the ass.
I gave him a week, then asked him to continue. He was busy babysitting some kids, but agreed.
Oct 29Ah, I see. Babysitting is the worst. You have my sympathies.
40m agoI am back. I’ve done what needs to be done, now I may continue with this discussion. Lets get it over with.
[That shouldn’t be possible. There must have been an error somewhere. I suppose you could try sending a bug report to administration, though you’re unlikely to get a response.]
So why would I bother sending a report? Blocking only stops haters from posting IRL shit, when they guest review I can just delete it.
[Uh… no, it can’t have been. I wrote that a month after your revenge review. (And I only now notice that you chose to reply to me in the reviews, which is just silly. You do know I don’t get alerts for reviews on other peoples’ stories, right? I don’t see those. All you’re doing is causing more stress for the author by flooding their inbox with arguments and reminders of the original review. Let authors defend themselves.)]
It was on one of Murloc’s stories, a friend of mine alerted me to it and was worried he’d be very upset. I lied when I told you I was just a fan or Murloc, he’s a good friend of mine, I lied because I didn’t want you to attack him again. Murloc writes great stories, the quality of them may be low, but the content is fantastic. I’m not the only one who believes it to be the case either, and we worry for our friend.
I wrote that review not for you, but for him. So he would know that we support him and don’t agree with you. It’s what friends do.
[“Living out sick fantasies through one’s writing” is objectively what is in the text.]
And what is wrong with using fantasies for writing? So long as a writer doesn’t write anything offensive or illegal, who are they hurting? If Princess wrote stories she’d write something like this, but in reverse, she’d write me as the dom instead of herself. It’s a part of our lives that she loves and wants to share with others, what’s the harm in that?
Muloc is a sub, he wants someone to force him to have sex. What’s the harm in that? It’s roleplay, or in this case a story. Who is he hurting? Just because it’s not to your taste doesn’t mean you have to attack it.
I personally use a great deal of personal experience for my characters, and so far (While I haven’t actually written it yet) it’s garnered a great deal of positive feedback, as well as some negative.
For example, Red in the rewrite has suffered just as I have suffered, his is more extreme than me, but the principle is the same. It affected me badly for years, I’m only now starting to get past it, and it has affected Red worse. He is essentially my rage. Like me he needs someone to break through his emotional defenses and expose the source of his pain, only then can he hope to get better.
Red has one of my traits that I hate about myself, my deep seeded rage that, if pushed too far, causes an internal explosion. Manifesting as unstoppable rage. One bastard pushed to the edge and over, I lost all control over myself and beat him so badly his own mom couldn’t recognize him. If someone hadn’t of dragged me away, I’d have killed him. Again, it’s not pleasant, but it draws emotion from the reader and, through the course of the fic, proves that people can change. Even violent people with a lot of anger inside them.
Red will change and become what he was meant to be, but he will still need his rage and blood lust for plot purposes, so he will continue to use it. Just far more focused.
And in my second fic the main character, a man named Chrono, is fucked in the head from years of pain and abuse. He knows nothing but pain and depression, and like me (Before I started to get better) he wants to die, but is too afraid of what happens next in order to commit suicide. He wants someone to force him to face his fear and kill him.
It’s not a good thing, but because I have experienced it I can portray it correctly. I can also portray his character development, how he slowly gets better. What triggers his development is different to me, but the principle is the same. It’s an experience I can use to portray my characters correctly.
A great deal of my characters have elements from myself and people I know, this is done for the reasons mentioned. I can portray them correctly because of it.
How is this any different what Murloc writes? He was the one to inspire me to write like this, and it has DRASTICALLY improved my writing.
[I objected to the specific way it was portrayed in that specific story.]
It’s realistic. It’s how Murloc would react and what he needs, in order to be with someone he cares about.
How is that any different to what other writers do?
Because it is so realistic, we as readers are able to experience it for ourselves and feel what the character feels. Just because it’s not sunshine and butterflies, doesn’t mean it can’t be great.
39m agoOops, forgot something.
Stick your sympathy up your ass. Sympathy is for the weak, and I will never be weak again.
We deadlocked after this. The topic moved away from the review and towards more weird personal stuff in this vein, so I’d rather just cut it here.
I do believe this is the first time someone has actually acted on a grudge held this long after the initial review. This level of obsession honestly makes me feel kinda bad for the guy.