[16] The Other Pokereviews, Part 70

Some slightly better than average stuff today, and two fics that really don’t seem to understand the implications of talking pokemon. So much anime fic, though. What more must I do?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12629644/1/The-Neokoro-Cases

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Not many people had heard of Miko’s home island, Neokoro. Neokoro was a small island off the coast of Poni Island, one of the main islands of the Alola Region. Neokoro boasted a tiny population of just under one hundred citizens, and a much greater population of rare Pokemon. For whatever reason, Pokemon from all around the globe began migrating to Neokoro thousands of years ago and came to contribute to the most diverse collection of wildlife in all of Alola. Additionally, Neokoro was littered with breathtaking scenery – green forests, hypnotically deep blue water, and a gorgeous perimeter of sandy beaches.]

Opening the story with a dry infodump is an instant turnoff. It makes the story read like a textbook rather than, well, a story. What matters in a story is who the players are and what they do; this early on, you should focus on explaining those things to make readers invested. If this background information is relevant, it should come up in the story when appropriate; show, don’t tell.

[This dream was riddled with a certain haziness that all dreams seemed to have. For the amount of stuff that made perfect sense to Miko, even more was a mystery. The sky was black in this dream, yet it didn’t cast darkness below. Miko’s Machop was running through a field of tall, purple grass, taller than Machop’s legs. Machop seemed to be worried, and his running seemed desperate. What was he running from? Miko was able to see behind his Machop, where he could make out a long, milky white… He wasn’t sure. It was thin and seemed to stretch on forever, wriggling.]

I feel like there’s a disconnect here between how we see dreams in hindsight and what dreams feel like when you’re experiencing one. Dreams do not actually feel hazy or unusual when you’re in them, often even when you’re lucid dreaming. They feel completely real, no matter how illogical they may seem to a waking mind, and people aren’t often aware enough to be focusing on minor details and inconsistencies. This reads like Miko is extremely lucid and dispassionately analyzing him dream, which is very unusual. It’s much more common for dreams to evoke powerful but irrational emotional responses that override all logical thought, and for the dreamer to pick up strange chains of logic that only make sense to them. (I strongly recommend watching the episode “Restless” from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer for what I believe is a good portrayal of this.)

Of course, I take it this is a magic/prophetic dream, which could explain why he’s so lucid. But in that case, you should clue the readers into the idea that something abnormal is happening by drawing attention to Miko’s awareness. He should notice how unusual the dream is, if not while dreaming than certainly after. (Even just being able to remember a dream is very strange.)

And of course after that hint of plot we go right back to the standard script… Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[“Hey mom!” Miko hugged Delane over the chair she was sitting at, “What is it today?”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is being said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Hey Mom!” Miko hugged Delane over the chair she was sitting at. “What is it today?”].

[The council’s saying they want to lower the legal age of becoming a trainer to ten. That’s too young!]

She is a minority of one, then. Not a single character ever expresses any concerns about the age in canon, so no, the journey is clearly not actually dangerous.

[Miko hadn’t yet connected this patch of purple grass to the grass his Machop was running in earlier in his dream. The three of them rode their bikes to the purple grass. After a few minutes, their wheels went from wheeling through short green grass to tall purple grass. The three of them hopped off of their bikes. The sky was growing darker the further they walked through the purple grass. Miko realized this was what he saw in his dream, making him curious as to what exactly it was.]

Your use of short, simple sentences here makes this scene feel sterile and wooden. You should try varying your sentence structure more, and you can add emotional weight by focusing more on the protagonist’s thoughts and feelings. For instance, instead of just saying that he realized the connection, you could narrate his thought process as he slowly figures it out.

[Suddenly, a man in all white came into view. He wore a long white coat, white pants, white shoes, and white gloves.]

He’s pretty poorly dressed for field work, then.

[“Uh..”]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[“If you kids did, for example, tell anyone. Who knows what might happen?”]

So do the police not exist, or…? 12-year-olds are generally not naive enough to fall for this.

This is more involved than most fic here, but this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. The premise of the story should be clear by the end of the first chapter, not merely hinted at. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12629831/1/Sampletest

Previews are against the rules of this site. You can post this to a forum if you want feedback, but you shouldn’t post to the archive until you have a full chapter.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, “stated” is not a synonym for “said”. Don’t use it unless you know what it means.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12629995/1/Ahe-Hekekia-The-Origin

[Let’s take a look into the history of a normal Trainer in a not-so-normal world.]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The ship rising and falling with the waves had made Falit sick to his stomach. He wasn’t seasick- the Seafolk didn’t get seasick- but he was worried for his wife, Maria. She didn’t get seasick either, due to living with the Seafolk for the past two years. What made Falit sick to his stomach was the condition his wife was in right now.]

…Except you said in the first sentence that the waves made him sick. Pay attention to what you’re writing.

[“Mr. Hekekia?” A nurse said.]

Dialogue format remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Mr. Hekekia?” a nurse said.]

[‘With Aurora by my side,’ Ahe thought, ‘nothing will stop me!’]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You haven’t even really introduced your main character yet. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12629995/2/Ahe-Hekekia-The-Origin

If pokemon can speak English, then the fact that they possess human-level intelligence is common knowledge. Why, then, does the trainer system still exist? Treating people like pets is called slavery.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12630052/1/Ghost-Pains

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

If she’s trying to kill Giovanni, why does she use the time-delayed Future Sight instead of a quicker attack?

[“At least you know you have trained one worthy beast.”

“One more than you have, you monster,” the young woman cried.]

Wow, that’s pretty heartless to all the pokemon she killed. Did Giovanni’s pokemon have any say in this? If not, they are also victims.

[Sigma teleported just besides the young woman]

You want “beside”, I believe.

This is well-written – the description and tension is what I would expect from a published book, and I like that you’re writing about an established trainer. But seriously, why did she use Future Sight? If she had used Psybeam, none of this would have happened.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12630792/1/The-Loli-That-s-Older-Than-You-Introduction

Your summary is incoherent.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12630903/1/Baking-and-Bonding

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631141/1/A-Candle-in-the-Night

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

…Why would a creature native to a volcanic region be named after a flower?

[She had found out the hard way that she was powerless without a posse of males following her, and would soon discover that is was always a far better idea to keep yourself away from social contact than to reveal yourself in any way.]

Using the general you in third-person is awkward. I recommend rephrasing this.

Also pfft, salazze have sky-high speed and special attack. They’re fragile, but hardly powerless.

[As it turns out, Salazzles had quite the reputation among Pokemon. Females would frequently lose their mates to wandering Salazzles, whether it be by accident or intentional.]

This seems like a big exaggeration of their canon abilities. It’s mentioned their pheromones are used in perfumes, but they clearly don’t have the same effect on humans, and the pokedex only mentions harems of salandit. Going by real-world biology, pheromones tend to be highly specific to certain species (no point in attracting an incompatible mate, after all).

[And the males themselves were frightened, yet furious that they could be snatched away from their lives so easily. And never could they hunt down the perpetrators, for they would always lose to their primitive instincts upon getting a whiff of the pheromones.]

And the females don’t murder the salazzle because…? Again, this doesn’t seem to match what we see in canon, where they stick to specific areas and extreme environments. They don’t seem widespread enough for this.

[Usually she would be able to escape, for Salazzles were naturally quite fast. But sometimes she couldn’t, and would suffer a brutal pounding from her pursuers. They never wanted to kill her. They just wanted to give her a hard punishment for something that she never did.]

Uh, why? You just said they’re a universally reviled threat. They’re this angry about salazzle existing, but not angry enough to make them stop existing?

[And so Lily, after 3 months of failed social attempts and 9 awful beatings]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[And so she set for the mountains, and hid away in a chilly cavern a few miles above the ground. The trek was grueling, but she always told herself it was worth the pay off of not having to deal with hostile locals anymore. And upon her arrival, she set up a basic shelter by barricading the mouth of the cave with unattended logs.

She hated it there.]

Uh, more like she should have died there. Salazzles’ native habitat appears to be quite hot, and if we bring real-world biology into this, salamanders are incredibly sensitive to changes in environment. I don’t even see how this would fix her problem, because there are tons of pokemon there. (And how did she even get to Ula’ula?)

[Sometimes she would touch the scar on her right eye and cry as she remembers the blissful days before she became a Salazzle.]

You slip into present tense here. Tenses need to stay consistent through the story.

So is there a plot to this? This doesn’t seem to be anything but pointless over-the-top misery, and I’m not very impressed by the premise of “what if a powerful female pokemon was actually totally helpless without men???”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631159/1/The-Quest-for-Greatness-Hoenn

[Theme Song]

Nope. This is not a screenplay. This is just incredibly awkward. You’re writing literature. Accept the constraints of the medium.

[Someone can be great for discovering a cure to cancer or diabetes, others prefer to be seen as great for leading others in government, still others prefer other methods of becoming great.]

That’s a bit weirdly specific – people become great for curing diseases in general, of which cancer and diabetes are merely two examples.

This bit also sounds awkward because you fell short of the rule of three. When making a list of things, it sounds best to have at least three items; this is especially true when you’re trying to emphasize that there are many ways to accomplish this thing. (That last bit should also be a separate sentence.)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[This lofty goal can only be attained by a Pokemon trainer, a person whose path is to capture creatures known as Pokemon and then training both these Pokemon and one’s self to become better and better, with there being no cap on how powerful and wise one can become. Then, after training to be the best, the Pokemon trainer must battle the current Pokemon League Champion and win, a landmark only a small group of the best of the best have ever done in history.

This young man wishes to fulfil his life’s goal of becoming a Pokemon League Champion by traveling around the Hoenn region, a tropical land with many islands, ocean paths, and exotic, far-off places few people have ever seen. While traveling, he hopes to meet and capture powerful Pokemon and befriend them to be the ultimate team.

There are many trainers all around the Hoenn region- and even more in other places of the world! – whom have the same goal. It can be difficult to stand out among the masses, let alone become the Champion. Despite the odds being so heavily stacked against them, though, people always try and try again to defy the odds.]

Yes, we know. People reading Pokemon fanfic know the premise of Pokemon. Recapping this is a waste of time.

[Due to the dangers a Pokemon trainer must face- traveling through the wilderness for days at a time, battling powerful creatures, and living either alone or with a small group of people- the laws in Hoenn have changed to not allow anyone to become a Pokemon trainer until they have reached the minimum age of sixteen.]

Raising the age of newbie trainers is generally a bad idea. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[“You alright, mom/Leanne?”]

Something strange happened here.

[The brunette]

You want “brunet”. “Brunette” is the feminine form. Regardless, this is a bad choice of epithet. Epithets are meant to be unique identifiers that can substitute for names; mere physical appearance makes for a very flat and useless epithet.

[Ten years before, anyone would have jumped a mile high upon hearing a Pokemon speak, but thanks to the brilliant professors from around the world, Pokemon translators were created. About four years before, the devices were made and were simple enough that anyone could use them. The devices were just a collar-like ring that would go around a Pokemon’s neck and then, with a simple click, would automatically translate what the Pokemon was saying into any language. Like almost all captured Pokemon in the modern day, Lily’s partner wore one such translator around his neck.]

So why does pokemon training still exist? If pokemon can speak, they are fully sapient beings of human-level intelligence. Why are they still being treated like pets and carted around as tools for humans? Keeping people as pets is called slavery.

[The grass type Pokemon, without saying a word, glanced over towards the area where Birch was trapped in a tree with the Poochyena at the base. The Treecko looked back just as casually towards Will afterwards, and responded with only one word.

“No.”

Just as casually as he spoke, the Wood Gecko Pokemon walked over towards Will. The brunette wasn’t sure what the Pokemon was doing, but he thought his coming closer to the teen was a good sign. Despite the short response, Will was still hopeful that the Treecko would fight with him.

Whenever the starter Pokemon made it to Will, though, he quickly learned why Treecko came to him. Without even looking at the teen, Treecko snatched the Pokeball right out of Will’s hand. The creature then walked back over towards Birch’s back, that was sitting on the ground right behind the brunette.

Once the Pokemon was standing right above the satchel, Will watched Treecko tap the button on the capsule in his hand. The Wood Gecko was instantly absorbed right into the Pokeball and away from Will. The brunette’s jaw dropped at the sight, surprised at what the Treecko just did. His brow furrowed as Will glared at the Pokeball in anger.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” he shouted, drawing a quick response from Birch.]

For instance, why does he expect the treecko to obey him here? If you popped out of a stasis capsule to see someone telling you to fight someone else on their behalf with no context, would you do it? While I can understand Will’s frustration given that this is an emergency, it doesn’t speak well of him that he expects such mindless obedience from thinking beings.

Why can’t they make the poochyena calm down, anyway? Pokemon understand human speech perfectly, and it’s obvious that the whole thing was an accident. It’s really bizarre that you’re treating one pokemon like a dumb animal when all the rest are acting like fully intelligent creatures.

The tone of this scene is all over the place – if this is really an emergency, Will shouldn’t have the time to screw around like this. Why isn’t the poochyena attacking him?

[Will scratched at the back of his head awkwardly, not sure where to go from there. The encounter with Treecko had him completely thrown off. However, the thought of Birch being trapped by the Poochyena suddenly popped back up in his head, causing the brunette to snap his head back in the direction of the professor.]

Honestly, this makes it sound like he has ADD.

[‘If this is what life on our journey is going to be like,’ Will thought]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[After a couple more seconds, the laughing c

eased]

Errant line break.

[‘I guess he just really is that friendly,’ he mused.]

To muse is to think aloud; if it’s not vocal, you want “he thought” instead.

Well. This is definitely a lot more lively than most fic in this genre, and I like that you seem to be giving pokemon distinct personalities and writing detailed, descriptive battles. But this is still incredibly empty as a story, because the games don’t have a plot. Becoming a pokemon master is, when you think about it, a really boring goal outside of a video game. Will has no deep reason to desire the championship, so it becomes a completely meaningless trophy, and a string of battles is not a very engaging plot when we’re not fighting the battles ourselves. I strongly recommend reading these threads that discuss writing trainer fic:

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631211/1/Ash-The-Glaceon-s-Adventures-Glaceon-TF-Story

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631315/1/Mixing-a-prince-and-a-goddess

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Both Ash and Arceus haven’t seen eachother for about 5 years after Ash’s self imposed exiled when he try to escape form the region in which he did. But 5 years can change and Ash is tasked on going back into the regions once more and enter the Spear Pillar but only to meet a certain goddess that can reignit the feeling he once sealed]

These are run-on sentences. You need to learn how to use commas.

[“Radio chatter”

“Thoughts”

“Written text on paper”]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

[(Somewhere in Corbyra, Ash’s pov)]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You also don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

If you’re aware you have a lot of grammatical errors, you might want to get a beta reader to help you. There’s a thread for them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

This thread may also be helpful: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631654/1/A-New-Breed-of-Hero

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631706/1/The-Diary-Of-Baby-Rey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12631400/1/Tartarus

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Time and Space]

Also not proper nouns, shouldn’t be capitalized.

[His nails were too long and, and they scraped against his coarse blond stubble.]

You’ve got an extra “and” here, unless that’s intentional.

[The Ultra Mirror, a device of his own invention meant to gaze into an alternate dimension known as Ultra Space, sat at the far end of the lab powered down.]

This is an awkward sentence, and I think you lost track of it midway through – if you cut out the aside, this is [The Ultra Mirror sat at the far end of the lab powered down,] which doesn’t make sense.

[“Good Groudon,” he said]

Thank you for not using Arceus here. Thank you so, so much.

[Isla Burnet was over a decade Lusamine’s junior, but she was as brilliant as they came. A native Unovan, Burnet had been recruited as a graduate student at Castelia University while she was abroad in Alola doing her dissertation research. She had warm tawny skin, a curvaceous frame, full lips and an upturned nose that gave her air of cool aloofness, and bleached hair currently misbehaving behind a thick headband. She was comely with a face made for smiling, warm laughter compared to Lusamine’s immortal winter.]

Okay, so, when you write in third-person limited, the narration reads like the viewpoint character’s thoughts. So what you’re implying by this suddenly detailed and sexual description is that Lusamine is infatuated with Burnet. If that’s not what you meant to imply, you might want to move or reword this.

[a young and voluptuous brunette called Wicke]

Ditto here. You could maybe try avoiding such sexual descriptions in the first place?

[A waste, but never let him hear you say it.]

The general you sounds very awkward in third-person.

This is decently written, but feels a little empty in the context of a larger story. You haven’t actually introduced any divergence from the canon plot, so I’m not sure where this is going or what the story will be about. This chapter is also a little on the wordy side; you spend a lot of time pausing the action to describe characters and lay out their life stories, which isn’t really necessary and undercuts the tension of the scene.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12632555/1/Thanksgiving

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Of course, if you celebrate Thanksgiving, there is like 4 main things to do]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person. Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12632562/1/Who-You-Want-To-Be

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

8 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    Why isn’t my pokefic here? I’m hurt, bro. Absolutely devastated. I thought we were friends.

    Dreams do not actually feel hazy or unusual when you’re in them, often even when you’re lucid dreaming. They feel completely real, no matter how illogical they may seem to a waking mind, and people aren’t often aware enough to be focusing on minor details and inconsistencies.

    Tell that to my dreams. In the past week alone, I’ve had two that could have been my real life save for the dream filter over them, and one (non-lucid) dream that ended with me explaining to characters in the dream all the inconsistencies of the dream after realizing it was a dream before waking up.

    Vivid dreaming is an amazingly fun side effect to medication.

    (no point in attracting an incompatible mate, after all)

    To be fair, egg groups. Salazzle is in the Dragon and Monster egg group, which gives 31 species of pokemon other than salandit and salazzle if I counted right.

    Again, this doesn’t seem to match what we see in canon, where they stick to specific areas and extreme environments.

    It’s also extremely overstating the power of pheromones. It’s a smell that makes you horny, not fucking mind control.

    Uh, why? You just said they’re a universally reviled threat. They’re this angry about salazzle existing, but not angry enough to make them stop existing?

    I’m gonna guess “because fetishes”?

    Yes, we know. People reading Pokemon fanfic know the premise of Pokemon. Recapping this is a waste of time.

    Yeah, I’m gonna have to be honest here, my eyes kinda started unfocusing about halfway through the first paragraph, and I just skipped ahead to the close-bracket because I could probably guess what else came next.

    Both Ash and Arceus haven’t seen eachother for about 5 years after Ash’s self imposed exiled

    Is it bad that I got about this far into the quote before wondering “so when is Ash gonna fuck Arceus in this”?

    Thank you for not using Arceus here. Thank you so, so much.

    It still sounds unbelievably stupid. I first parsed it as, like… someone calling a groudon a good boy, yes he is, yes he is.

    So what you’re implying by this suddenly detailed and sexual description is that Lusamine is infatuated with Burnet.

    Even money says she is.

    Ditto here. You could maybe try avoiding such sexual descriptions in the first place?

    But hey, points to describing a woman established as being in her early thirties as “young” rather than an ancient old crone, yeah?




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    1. What’s your pokefic? Remember I do these things like a week in advance.




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      1. CrazyEd says:
        Oh, uh, the one I linked here, but I was just joking around because I want people here to share in the pain I felt writing it. It’s only vaguely pokefic (though depressingly more Pokemon related than PMD-inspired high school slice-of-life fic, now that I think about it, because the pain wasn’t painful enough already so thanks for that) that I wrote for a gag at Farla. I didn’t actually expect to see it here, if only because it’s on AO3, and I know you don’t do this for AO3 fic anymore. I was just having a joke at you too, because you review a lot of pokescrewing fic (though, technically, this isn’t pokescrewing, thank god).

        And because the site went quiet for… whoa, 53 hours and 26 minutes after I posted it here, so I started worrying that maybe writing a (non-explicit) Pokemon-themed roleplay bondage threesome scene based on something Farla said was going a bit too far, even as a joke.

        … Wow, that sounds bad when I put it like that. I totally have social skills, you guys.

        The fact that it currently has 21 views and I haven’t received any response on this site to posting it worries me. Someone please tell me they accidentally opened it in a dozen tabs yesterday.




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        1. I was a bit surprised you got no response, but I feel that Farla is the one who should comment on it. I have no strong opinions.




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          1. CrazyEd says:
            Yeah, I was expecting at least a “why would you do this” or something. Not nothing. It felt kinda like people were acting like it didn’t happen because that’s the socially acceptable thing people would do when some weirdo shows them something like that, even though I knew that probably wasn’t the case. Because, ya know: Why would I do that? Even I have to wonder that. Frankly, I’m probably the one wondering that the most. There was even a few hours during that silence where I worried “what if Farla hasn’t responded yet because she’s busy writing her own Pokemon-themed bondage roleplay threesome scene to put into my Gifts tab for everyone to see?”

            But honestly, though, if you’ve got any comments or opinions to make on the technical presentation of it, I’d actually really love to hear those. I’m terribly unconfident about my technical skill at writing so any advice to improve it- on anything I write, not just this- would be legitimately welcome. It’s been years since I wrote anything with the intent of showing it to other people, so hit me with all your copypasta, bro. I can take it. You, or more specifically the part of my brain that tries to predict what you’d have to say about something, are already my toughest (technical) critic. 

            I’d like to hear, at least, any thoughts on my change in tense between the two parts of the story. I had to smooth out the first part and while rewriting a few bits I noticed I kept slipping into present tense, and I thought it might create some kind of interesting disconnect between the two halves if they were written in different tenses, or something like that. As embarrassing as the content is, I still wanted it to be technically sound.

            … Unless you meant didn’t have any opinions on either the content or technical presentation, in which case, well I guess that’s better news than finding a whole bunch of unintentional slips in the tense in the second half or something like that.




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        2. Hinebras says:
          Your fic actually makes more sense than the average pokemon fetish fic. It has an… intereseting setting, and if your intention was to make the reader awfully uncomfortable, well, mission accomplished. 

          Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to read some Fifty Shades of Graveler and 120 Days of Rotom.




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          1. CrazyEd says:
            In the two days I haven’t checked it, the hits went from about two dozen to almost four dozen. I seriously hope that’s because of you guys. And if it’s not, please, let me pretend it is.

            Your fic actually makes more sense than the average pokemon fetish fic

            I actually got into writing fanfic because I was so horrified with how little sense so much of it made that I decided that I could do better. Personally, I think I have. I haven’t made it worse, at least, which I think counts as “doing better”.

            Alternate Universe – Modern Setting. Jon Snow/Sansa Stark. This is why I started writing fanfiction.

            I might have written a bondage Pokemon-roleplay threesome scene out of spite, but I wanted to keep my integrity while doing so.




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          2. CrazyEd says:
             if your intention was to make the reader awfully uncomfortable, well, mission accomplished. 

            While that was not consciously my goal, in hindsight, it certainly seems like that was the mentality I had when I was writing it.

            But worry not, I am currently writing something far, far more awkward that conciously is being written with the intent that it be extremely awkward to read. There will be sexual content. Awkward, awkward, awkward no-one-involved-has-any-idea-what-they’re-doing sexual content.

            If I can ever bring myself to overcome my natural impulse of shame and post it to a public place, I promise to gift it to you, Hinebras, if you have an AO3 account for me to gift it to.

            Farla, your site has turned me into a monster, and I will continue to menace it until the last of days.




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